The musings of Gifted and Sensory Processing Disorder

Sometimes people wonder why I talked about my kids being "gifted" so often. It isn't really about the IQ, but more about wanting to give people a glimpse into the full aspects of the world. One of the more common traits discussed among parents of gifted children is the issue of Sensory Processing Disorder, often referred to as Over Excitability. I am linking a video I did a while ago to show how the issues with Kel El/Clarke Kent in a school room were so similar to what happens with my kids. That is why I liken gifted children to Superman. When you have gifted children, you see one of the biggest things to Kel El struggles with - loneliness. It doesn't matter if he/she is in a public school/private school/ or homeschool, it is rare to find highly to profoundly gifted children with a lot of friends. Most gifted kids struggle with "fitting in" not because they are smart, but because they are different. Not just a little different. It is easy to understand how a child 2 - 3 standard deviations below the "norm" are different, we have so much compassion and empathy - we teach this empathy to our children. We rarely sit back and evaluate that 2 - 3 standard deviations above the norm is just as different and that difference shines through in sensory issues.
The easiest example for me to share is the sensory issue of hearing. We struggle often with my children and their hearing and it isn't because they can't hear - but because they hear too well. My daughter has had her hearing tested so often I am losing track. She failed her first hearing test as a newborn, then she passed the second one - they eventually concluded that maybe the machine was broken. It wasn't. My daughter fights with her hearing and turns it "off" and "on" regularly. Why? Because when her hearing is "on" she tops out every machine tried on her for testing human hearing. Meaning as high as the machine can test - she can hear at that range. Her range of hearing is literally "off the charts", meaning when they go to chart her range of hearing, the marks are above what the chart records - because so few humans can hear that well. While good normal human hearing is great, extreme hearing is debilitating. Imagine sitting in a room and hearing every, single, solitary noise that can be picked up by the human ear. Imagine hearing things other people can't hear. No really - what happens when my daughter is in a group and keeps asking people "did you hear that guy laugh?" No, they didn't hear that guy laugh, because they guy was laughing 3 rooms away with the door closed. No one even sees the guy or knows he is in a room 3 doors away - so she becomes the kid that is "hearing things". Do you want to play with a kid that "hears things"? Things no one else in a room of 20 other people hear? How would you feel if you ALWAYS heard things other people said they couldn't hear? Would you begin to feel a little crazy? In an effort to stop some of the noise, my daughter's body will automatically turn her hearing off when it just gets too much - she goes from hearing too much to not hearing thing she should. So, this little girl that was hearing a guy laugh 3 rooms away now can't hear someone calling her name. Now, take this phenomenon and apply it to all the other senses as well - taste, touch, smell, sight.
See why your kid hitting my kid "for fun" is such a big deal? Because my kid's sense of tough is so heightened that it really did hurt, even if you kids was "just kidding". I don't keep my kids in a bubble - they have to go out in the world and live their life and make friends and all that other good stuff. It's just hard that they are constantly reminded that thing aren't quite made "for them". It really is like being "Superman". Sure they can do math with ease and read even with dyslexia and discuss with great detail some of the finer points of structural engineering. But, at the end of the day - sometimes you just want to hear the birds and the breeze; sometimes you just want to smell the rain, sometimes you just want to touch the soft petals of a rose, sometimes you want to just play a fun game of tag. Being young, with sensory issues - means all of those things take my kids great lengths to experience - because they have to filter out hundreds of other sounds, smells, touches, tastes, etc. You can just eat a piece of cake, they can taste every ingredient in the cake with each bite. This is one of the reasons my kids request one thing to eat every day - rice. Just plain white rice - everything else is just so absolutely complicated. Sure, they like sweets, but those things are tiring for the body and mind because they are processing so much information just eating a cookie. My eldest had an allergic reaction to an ingredient the FDA still declares humans cannot have an allergic reaction to, so it isn't required to be on food labeling. Now, even I love rice.
So, when I say "Gifted" - don't get mad. Other people put all that pressure on "gifted" to mean something it was never intended to mean. Just like Kel El declare on his chest - it wasn't an "S". So even though everyone declared him "Superman" based on the "S" on his shirt - it wasn't even an "S" to begin with. Even though everyone thinks parents are bragging about our kids being "Smart" when we say they are "Gifted"; newsflash - it isn't an "S"

Let the Projects Begin!

This year I decided to add a research project to our homeschooling plans. I wasn't sure exactly how it would go, my kids are still a bit young. All I can say is "wow"! My daughter decided to do a report about cats. I had in my mind it would take her at least a month to work on her report, it took her 2 days! I think this is because she really wanted a venue where she really got to talk about everything she knew about cats! Everyone that deals with gifted children understands that are deep wells of information. When they have a passion, there is no limit to what they can consume regarding that topic. However, when do they get to "let it all out", where is their forum to share with others their proficient synthesis of all that information? It is now official, we are hooked on projects!
My eldest is doing his report on ferrets (his passion). Since he is older (3rd grade), I have added a few required elements to his report. One of those is to get out there and interview some real individuals that know a thing or two about ferrets. His first stop will be to a local pet store where he has an appointment to speak with their "ferret specialist", she has even told him she will take some of the ferrets out of the cage and allow him to play with them (thanks, because we are NOT ready for a pet in our house). Teaching him that books are great, but some face time with a real life professional that can discuss things with you is a life lesson I really want to instill in him. He has been reading books, I have been reading books to him, and he has been listening to audio books - he is consuming this project. He has even been working diligently on his report cover.
It actually feels good to see Gardner's Multiple Intelligences in action. As my kids are delving into their projects, I am seeing them embrace the experience as something beyond "book work". They see a purpose behind what they are doing, and it excites them.
The "other half" of the Wonder Twins (as they like to call themselves) is still deciding on his topic. He is having trouble deciding on pigs or puppies as his theme. I am letting him take his time as I see a driving force for success and engagement is passion and interest in the topic being studied. There is no rush, he is only in the First grade - there is plenty of time.
A final aspect that I see as important with projects is a final outlet, a grand ending, a point and a purpose behind the whole event. For my daughter, she made her Youtube debut by giving her report on camera (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pql-MCxkHeI) it made her feel accomplished. She was excited to get a chance to the "the world" the efforts of her work. Sure, it has less than 100 views (and most of those are probably family members), but it wasn't about going viral, but giving her a forum.  I decided to give each child a choice in their final forum for every project they complete. It might be a Youtube video, a presentation to Grandma and Grandpa, or presented at a local college (something they have planned for chemistry projects they are working on). The point is for them to share their work, an aspect that I sometimes see missing from project based assignments.
It has been quite a fun experience thus far!

Twice Exceptional

I know a lot of people hate labels, but it works for me when I can name things. Anyone looking at my education plans for my kids will notice a big dichotomy - my kids seem to do lots of things above grade level and also have a lot of therapy. The educational "label" for that is Twice Exceptional. All three of my kids are highly/profoundly gifted - they have IQ's in the roughly 98th percentile, but they also have learning disabilities. This is one reason a traditional education environment would never work for them.

There are many people that think IQ doesn't matter, and it doesn't when it comes to most adults. However, understanding that a child is "gifted" - a term I dislike, but a label that is helpful in understanding the educational needs of a child, answers a lot of questions. For instance, normal development requires a child to experience seven repetitions of information before they have acquired new information. For a gifted child, only one to two repetitions are needed. As you can see, this makes a traditional classroom setting torture for a gifted child. Yes, they really do "get it" after they heard it the first time. Imagine sitting in a meeting and having to listen to a speaker drone on and on and on about a topic you mastered four hours ago. Now, imagine having to go to the meeting eight hours a day, five days a week, 9 months out of the year - and then have to come back and do it again for a total of 12 years. At the same time, most teachers hate having truly gifted children in the classroom. Gifted children account for approximately 10% of the population, and only 3% of gifted children are profoundly gifted (about 10% are highly gifted). Who wants to do lesson planning for a child that already knows everything that is supposed to be learned in that grade level (as well as one to two grade levels beyond that) the first day of class? What are you going to do with this kid? What happens in many classrooms is those kids are used as unpaid teacher's aid, being assigned to help struggling students. This is unfair to everyone involved. First, students should be in school to learn and if a gifted child is not allowed to learn anything new, why should they be in school. Secondly, struggling students should be taught by a teacher, if a 7 year old could truly be an effective teacher in a 2nd grade classroom - what are all those colleges of education for? Some parents of gifted children choose grade skipping as an option, but this isn't always an ideal situation. With things like Common Core Curriculum, even what is taught 2 - 3 grade levels above a gifted child may already be mastered. Secondly, grade skipping can make a gifted child an easy target for bullies; they may understand the academic content, but don't have the life experience or "street smarts" to make it in a room with kids 2, 3, or more years above them. This is one of the reasons half of all profoundly gifted children are home schooled.

Another layer of gifted is that many gifted children also have learning disabilities. This is a situation I have never met a teacher that was trained to deal with. For instance, my eldest went to a private Kindergarten. He was grade skipped into Kindergarten (a one year grade skip) and was still labeled one of the better readers in the class. However, he was also dyslexic. How do you teach one of the best readers in the class how to read? Most teachers aren't trained to spot gifted guessers. My son could memorize an entire book page by page - ask him to read any page in the book and he did it flawless - by memory. Gifted dyslexics also read by "gist", once they figure out the overall theme and where the book is going, they pretty much have it covered. For instance, I am a gifted dyslexic and I can conquer a 300 page book in a matter of hours. I don't read word for word, I take in entire paragraphs - literally. I may read 5% of the words in a paragraph, but I can tell you exactly what the paragraph was about, answer questions about the concept, and even accurately teach the concept to others - just don't ask me about obscure details - like what the color of the main character's hat was. I am sure that information was in the text, but my brain never processed it. My eldest reads above grade level, but he is dyslexic and sense he doesn't qualify for services (because in most states you aren't diagnosed with dyslexia unless you read below grade level), we have to tackle the issue ourselves.

My kids, like many gifted children, also deal with sensory issues, labeled "sensory processing disorder". It isn't that their senses don't work, they just work overtime. This creates sensory overload to an extraordinary scale. For instance, my kids hear literally "off the charts", meaning their hearing is more sensitive than what most hearing tests can measure. Because they hear in levels confined to animals, not humans, in order to function they have learned to actively tune things out. Unfortunately, they can overcompensate and tune out too much information - causing them to miss when people are calling their name, or miss the nuance of phonics. So, what looks like a hearing problem is actual a hearing super ability that must be trained, not fixed. Profoundly gifted children learn through all their senses well beyond the baby stage. We understand babies learn vast amount of information through taste and touch, but most people switch to learning based on hearing and sight as they get older. Not profoundly gifted children, they continue to take in vast amounts of information through their senses. However, they are pushed into a world with a ton more sensory input than what a baby would be pushed in to. We know not to take babies some places because it would be "too much", what happens to a 7 year old that continues to take in and process through every sense, all the information around them? What happens tends to be sensory overload - with meltdowns most people consider "inappropriate" for their age. This is why gifted children tend to be misdiagnosed with things like ADD/ADHD. They melt down, a LOT, when they are overwhelmed. However, they can be overwhelmed in most environments because we live in a sensory rich environment. Take for instance a traditional school. Even though there are walls (sometimes) and doors separating classrooms - sensory rich gifted children can literally hear through those walls. How frustrating would it be to hear conversations going on not only in your classroom, but the classrooms on either side of you - in addition to not only hearing your teacher lecture, but the teachers on both sides of the classroom. You also smell everyone's lunch box in your class, perfume, shampoo, soap residue, scented lotion, and anything else with the faintest smell? Then there is touch - you feel your socks, the tag on the back of your neck, your shoes feel tight, your jeans feel stiff and itchy. Not to mention the touching that happens by accident, an innocent bump feels like a push, a friendly pat on the back feels like a punch - you never quite know if people are trying to hurt you on purpose or not. I won't go in to taste - but you get the idea. These children aren't "broken", in fact, this might be the way man was really intended to work - experiencing the world fully. If we all took in our surroundings with all of our senses, the world would be a much more calm, quiet, and gentle place. Most profoundly gifted children have food sensitivities to the poisons that have been introduced into our food supply - food coloring, HFCS, excessive gluten - their bodies know when they are being poisoned. If we were all that sensitive, Monsanto would never have been about to run rugged over our food supply.

2E children are often mislabeled simply because people are so afraid of the gifted label. Gifted is often identified by an IQ test, but that isn't the only way. However, it is clear gifted children, especially profoundly gifted children are different. A child 2 - 3 standard deviations above the "average" child is just as different than a child 2 - 3 standard deviations below. There is plenty of empathy for mentally challenged children - we create environments that take in account their needs; I have yet to see a "calm and quiet" area of a playground designed for profoundly gifted children.

I talk a lot about gifted children, mainly because most people don't. The is often the cry of "all children are gifted" - oh really? So do you also decline birthday party invitations because you know the lights, sounds, and smells will be too much for your child? Do you purchase thousands of dollars in books and other educational materials because your child learns at such a fast pace they go through entire grade levels within weeks (my 5 year old daughter finished an entire K and an entire 1st grade math program specifically for gifted children in 8 weeks - 2 years worth of math learned in 8 weeks time). Do you spend time cutting the tags off of clothing, schedule playdates one or two children at a time, worry about the emotional sensitivity? Oh yes, the emotional sensitivity. I didn't even start to discuss that one. The strong sense of justice, the wondering about the universe, the understanding of how deeply it hurts when people are cruel, the internalizing of pain, hurt, and despair that leads to much higher levels of depression and even suicide. I remember weeping bitterly at the story of a young, profoundly gifted black teenager in NY. She was such an amazing writer, her poems and stories were so absolutely deep and profound, she was wise beyond her years. But she was still just 14, she didn't yet have the life skills necessary to deal with the cruelty of the world - so she jumped. She jumped to her death by leaping from the 4th story of an abandoned building. Smart enough to know just how high to go to ensure she would die. That is the deep, dark secret of gifted children - they know. They know just how filled with lies much of the story they are taught. They understand what it means to "colonize" a country, the know what the Spanish did to the native inhabitants of the "New World", they know the Emancipation Proclamation only freed slaves in the rebel states, and most importantly - the know life isn't fair. They know life is never going to be fair. Many people home school their gifted children so we can teach them, in the most gentle environment possible, how to deal with an unfair world. How to find joy in pain, how to create your own happy, how to make the pain external instead of internal, how to hit a wall instead beating themselves up in their mind, how to kick a bully's ass instead of feeling like they themselves are less then worthy of dignity and respect. The world has no love for gifted children; well world - screw you!

Oh yea, back to 2E. My kids are 2E and Twice Exceptional is a great way to describe them. This means I must be twice exceptional in meeting their educational needs. Often joke about the meme of female = Iron Man. In many ways, it isn't a joke. I often do need the money, humor, and genius of Tony Stark to meet their needs. But, it's all good, because I am, in fact - Iron Man - (female; fe = iron, male = man)

Review of the EasyRead Reading System

EasyRead (http://www.easyreadsystem.com/index/index.html) is a system designed to teach people between the ages of 4 and 94 to read. The computer based system includes many things that allow it to be a great fit for my twins who are gifted, but also dyslexic with some sensory issues. The program starts with the use of characters that remind the user of the sound that specific letters make (including separate characters for the different vowel sounds).

The things that make the program fun is that each session is short (15 minutes at the most), with the use of games sprinkled throughout. However, the games are really creative. For instance, in one game the student is a fighter pilot and must read the word to know what target to shoot – pretty big motivation to read the words correctly! Another aspect of the program is the rewards. As students complete various sessions, they get a code word. When they enter the code word into the designated area, a prize is placed in the mail. It is quite fun to get mail and each prize comes with a nice letter for the student. There are also 3 levels of achievement built into the system with certificates they earn as they achieve the levels.

Helping is good. Yes, this program has a built in premise that the parent should help the child with the program. This is in direct contrast to many programs where you feel as if you are “cheating” if you help your child with the answers, not in Easyread. Of course you don’t give them the answers, but slowly going through the pronunciations, encouraging your child to look at the characters, walking your child through the multiple choices options – not just allowed, but encouraged. Even though the program is computer based, it isn’t a “place child in front, now walk away” sort of program. This is a program in which you are actively involved in the learning process with your child, a definite plus from my standpoint.

Another thing that impresses me the most is the frequent contact with the parent built into the system. In addition to messages within the system giving me tasks to do with the kids, there are also phone consultations and short training videos to watch. There is also a training guide and downloads for flashcards and other things that may be of interest. They also help give you an understanding of how progress should be made. You get a reasonable timeline for when your child should be able to take what they are learning in the system, and apply it to reading books in general. Everyone’s expectations are managed.

Now, here is the absolute most impressive part of the system – an understanding of visual issues that often affect reading. I am a curriculum junkie and have some experience with almost every reading program out there – this is the only one to begin with an assessment for visual tracking! Both of my twins have vision issues that require vision therapy – the employees at Easy Read were able to have a conversation about that and also asked for progress reports so we could see how their vision therapy was affecting their progress within the program. However, for children with less severe issues they have advice for small games that can be done at home with a parent to improve visual tracking and eye coordination.  This aspect alone makes the program worth the money. I mean, I have never seen a reading program not only acknowledge vision development issues, but also integrate improving visual tracking into to reading program – score, goal, win.

While I am all for singing the praises of this program, there are some things I think could affect the ability of the program to work for other families. The first is the cost, approximately $1,200 for the first child, and $450 for each additional child. Yes, you read that right. Payments can be spread out monthly over a 10 month period. I know, the cost is high and probably a deal breaker for many families. However, for us the cost was worth it. This program for us is actually cheaper than the $150 per hour we would need to pay a tutor that was skilled in working with dyslexic children. Also, the program has all the aspects I would have to create if I wanted to do the intervention myself – which would be much more time consuming than the 15 minutes each of my kids spend on the program. At the same time, it is still a lot of money.

The second thing that might be an issue for parents is that the program is UK based, so your child we be getting a some aspects of British English. While British and US English are roughly 98% the same, they are still around 2% different. If that difference is going to be an issue for you or your children – consider that in your evaluation.

A final concern that might be an issue is the voice of narrator. Now, I love his voice and the kids haven’t had any issues at all – but he does have a kind of nasal based pattern of speech (think Seinfeld with a British accent). Every once in a while I will repeat what he says to ensure my kids heard him correctly, but he does go through great effort to pronounce sounds so they can be easily understood.  I do understand that some voice patterns can be annoying to others, and this could be one of them.

Overall, this program is a 10 out of 10 for us. In fact, I had signed up only one twin, but enrolled the other just a few days later after learning the program a bit more. The program is solid, thorough, but incredibly fun for the kids. I like that the fact that there is encouragement throughout the program, with kind words, prizes, and even real certificates of achievement as the student goes through the program.  While the program isn’t cheap, I can say that I feel we are getting what we pay for.

All Mixed Up: Our Journey Through Sensory Processing Disorder

Having three gifted children, I think we have seen all that gifted has to offer - the good and the bad. The latest waters we are rafting are Sensory Processing Disorder or SPD. This condition disproportionately affects highly and profoundly gifted children, and all three of my children deal with it to some extent. SPD can be summed up best with the words - mixed messages. This condition is when the brain doesn't quite get the messages from the five senses correct. SPD is a whole system condition that isn't accurately diagnosed until you step back and look at the big picture. It presents itself with a lot of "little" things that seem more annoyance that disability. For instance, when messages from the sense of touch get mixed up, this is when we see the often found issue with profoundly gifted children - the clothing wars! Jeans are a no no, socks are a struggle, and tags are simply too painful to even consider. Going to the store to buy clothing with a gifted child affected by SPD isn't a joyful experience; it's akin to picking out a cast or a brace! It is choosing the least horrible torture device. A tap feels like a shove, or they don't realize how close they are to other people. They like to touch walls and surfaces and jump and bounce - they need big reminders of where their body is in space because they can't trust what their senses are telling them about their bodies position.
SPD and the sense of taste comes in with severe food preferences, my eldest prefers bland foods like rice, bread, and pasta. I had to become a "creative" home chef, sneaking in more variety whenever I can. I am constantly throwing jars of baby food into pasta sauces and cooking extreme rice blends to improve his nutritional intake (who knew there were so many different varieties of rice!). For my daughter, texture - she is only five but can tell you with one bite if something is "smooth and creamy" versus "soft and mushy". She isn't being rude or mean, "soft and mushy" feels to her the equivalent of someone forcing you to eat live, squirming worms - it just feels so wrong.
SPD and the sense of sight I have blogged about quite a bit. We have been in vision therapy for over a year. They have made amazing progress, but it was a process just finding out what was wrong with their eyes. Their first eye exams were when the twins were just 2 years old. They were "20/20 and just fine", or so we were told. It wasn't until we found a developmental optometrist that we got the real story - sure they saw "20/20", but they also saw an independent picture in each eye, had poor tracking and convergence, almost no periphery vision, and their eyes often jumped around when trying to focus. Yes, those messages to the brain were getting all mixed up!
SPD and the sense of hearing has been as much trouble as the eyes to us. The children all hear so accutely the register off the charts in standard hearing test. They can hear as good as some animals! Unfortunately, they hear at different levels in each ear and they have limited ability to filter out background noise. This makes birthday parties with screaming children, lots of sounds, and flashing lights absolute misery for my children - especially the twins. I often tell people it's like someone taking 5 radios, tuning them to different stations, turning them each up to full volume - then trying to have a conversation with you! All you would want is for the noise to stop! This is how my children experience the world around them - a jumbled mess of too much noise.
SPD and smell is another fun one - I don't think people realize just how many smells there are in the world! My children smell it all, intensely. For the good smells, it is wonderful. I remember my 5 year old son telling me that he loved flowers because they smelled so beautiful - wow. But, life stops when you get to an absolutely repulsive smell. Most people can just ignore a bad smell, but my kids don't just "smell it", they "feel" the smell.
This overwhelming of the senses leads to emotional intensity as well - everything is "felt" on so many levels they just need a break from the world. If they don't get their break from the world, well - it's not pretty. The number one recommended educational interventions for children with SPD is: computer based learning and home schooling. This explains why half of all profoundly gifted children are home schooled. Often times the best "therapy" for SPD is environmental control, and you get that the most with home schooling. You also limit the things that would send children into absolute overdrive - like too much noise, too many smells, too much touching.
My children are also doing Sensory Integration Therapy - an intensive therapy where the senses are "shocked" in a controlled environment to try to rewire some of those crossed connections. We have had great results, but it isn't a "cure". Environmental control is still important, so is buying clothing with no tags and allowing them to have their emotions do what they need to do - release.
There is more to SPD, but the big thing is that when I speak with parents of gifted kids and talk about SPD, they shake their heads. Not everyone knew a name for it, but I haven't met one parent of a profoundly gifted child that didn't also have a story about socks or jeans, or the child covering their ears in loud places - even as a small child, or even them "needing" to jump and bounce to figure out where their body really is in space.
When you look into SPD, it makes sense that it affects gifted children more. They make so many connections so fast, there is bound to be some cross wiring. The big thing is finding others that know and understand. My friends have a few other gifted friends and watching them play together is so refreshing. They "get" each other, they experience the world in a similar way - they are more gentle with each other, but also more patient. Less than 10% of the population of gifted; less than 20% of gifted children are "highly" gifted, and less than 10% of gifted children are profoundly gifted. We hear a lot about the "1%" when it comes to socioeconomic status in this country, no one talks about the 2% in the area of "intelligence". These kids are rare, but so are their issues. So many people think having a gifted child is about their ability to recite the alphabet at 2 years old, or do multiplication at 6, or Algebra at 7. People rarely see the many disabilities that come with profoundly gifted children. I understand and that is why I blog - so others like our family can find they are not alone. Also, so those that haven't interacted with highly and profoundly gifted children can have a bit more understanding. Yes, most of our time our world is a beautiful as the smell of a flower; yet there are times when we deal with the thorns of a disability. So yes, I do consider parenting gifted children the blessing of a thousand roses - beautiful to see, wonderful to smell, gentle to touch; but that doesn't mean there are no thorns. There are thorns, a lot of them.

Just Being Kids

I am sad. Not for me, not for my kids, but for childhood in general. Our chemistry class has wrapped up for the semester and many of the kids were sad we wouldn't be having class again until February. I didn't at all get a bloated ego and think it was because I was such a wonderful teacher, I know its because the kids play outside with each other after each class. And when I say "play", I mean full force, go for it, running and being a kid without adult intervention play. I sat back and thought about it and that was the first time I have seen kids just playing together outside of my three in almost ten years. That is no exaggeration.
My husband and I play with our kids all the time. We swing with them on the swings, play soccer and football in the yard, and even have family races. However, in a neighborhood full of families with kids, we never see other families out playing together. I think most of the reason is because kids are too darn busy. Yes, not parents, but kids. After school there is soccer or gymnastics or football or cheerleading or some other organized activity. Even home schoolers are guilty of have amazingly over organized children.
For several years now one child or another had to decline a birthday party invitation because they "had" to go to practice or play a game or do some other really grown up stuff to do. It's sad because birthday parties are the only time they see some of their friends. It seems you have get on the "schedule" of other children today and "just to play" isn't a good enough reason to get penciled in. "Just playing" isn't seen as important and can always be interrupted at a moments notice if a coach calls an extra practice (for whatever reason he sees fit), or there is dress rehearsal for a dance recital (no matter how far away the recital might be) - being friends, being kids, having unorganized fun has been put on the back burner in an effort to teach kids "responsibility". However, what is more responsible than being a friend? What is more important than teaching kids to control their own life and not get bogged down in meetings and schedules and "stuff" and neglect the development of health relationships with PEOPLE instead of teams or clubs or organizations. By the way, we aren't talking about teenagers, we are talking about children between the ages of 4 and 8 years old.
What are we really teaching children? Are we teaching children that being an individual is less important then being part of a team? Are we teaching children that other people get to control their time and tell them where they need to be, when they need to be there, and what they need to be doing when they get there? Isn't that the part of "your" life that you hate so much now? I don't know one person that enjoys meetings. I don't know one person who likes it when the boss changes the schedule, or cancels your vacation because something "important" came up. I see adults absolutely hate all the weddings, retirement parties, banquets, and galas they "have" to attend, when they would really rather be home enjoying the house they worked so hard to buy, or smelling the roses they wished they had time to plant. Why do this to our children? Why take away the few precious years of freedom you get and force them into the roles we despise ourselves.
Many people say their kids "want" to play sports or be involved in drama and dance or any of the other myriad of things that are finding their way onto the schedule of children. The truth is, you child does want to play soccer - just play soccer. They don't have to go to the Olympics or even the state championship. They want to join that league soccer team because all the other kids have parents that will only respect a good soccer game if it is league (adult) sponsored. Admit it - would you interrupt your child playing basketball in the driveway with their friends for them to wash the dishes? Now, would you pull them out of basketball practice at school (with a coach and uniforms) to wash dishes? What changed? Isn't it just basketball? Why have more respect for a basketball game organized by adults - where children are forced to play a certain position and get pegged by "talent" but not respect a game where kids are looking at each other as equals and anyone with the ball can try and make the shot and the teams were picked by kids who value people for who they are, not just what they can do? Your son probably picked Little Johnny to be on his team because Little Johnny is a nice guy while at school he may be "teammates" with Big John - the school bully.Yet the message they are getting at this young and tender age is that liking people just for being people isn't enough, that spending time with friends and family isn't important, that doing what you like in the moment isn't a priority. What is important is having a boss (coach), hanging out with the people you are assigned to (co-workers) and your "real" friends, the ones who you chose on your own should be put on the back burner while you go out and win a trophy.
Another issue this lack of free time has brought about is children that don't have the capacity to self direct. They don't know what to do unless they are being told what to do. This is why children appear so wild and out of control when adults aren't around - they never learned how to self direct. If a child has had their entire day mapped out for them since they were three years old, never having an opportunity to play with no adult intervention - when do they learn how to be free, independent people? I am not saying adults shouldn't be there watching, observing, and making sure everyone is safe - but let them make up their own games, with their own rules, and their own teams. Why not give them a few hours each day (yes, multiple hours every day) to find their way.
Finding their way leads me to yet another big thing children miss out on when they are over scheduled - alone time. Yes, I started this post about kids playing together and that is important. But sometimes there is no one to play with, what do you do then? If children are always scheduled and organized - they are always together. No time for being alone with ones own thoughts and ideas, no time learning how to entertain oneself, no time to appreciate the differences of playing alone versus playing in a group. Both are fun, both are important, both are necessary.
I understand - there is so much available for children to do today. My children are involved in multiple activities. However, they also get multiple hours each day for self directed, self managed play. I noticed an amazing thing happening in their behavior - the more self directed time they had, the more their behavior improved overall. Self direction and self management are therapeutic and some of the best learning a child can do. I fear greatly for children that have every hour of their day mapped out for them, what happens when the map maker is no longer there? What happens to children who have been taught to value organized interactions over personal relationship development? What happens when the team is gone and they have no deep friendships to carry over into adult life? How does an adult child value an aging parent who simply contracted out every learning experience to someone else? How do they value siblings they never got a chance to know - because they were always assigned to different teams or clubs, or scout troops because they were different ages? Being young is a temporary thing, but family isn't and friends don't have to be. Why are as parents putting so much emphasis and value on temporary teams, clubs, and organizations instead of encouraging our children to develop relationships that can last a lifetime? Think back on your childhood. What are the memories that matter to you? Sure, I won some trophies when I was little, but that isn't what I look back on and cherish. What I remember in the core of my being is my time playing with my sisters and my friends. I can remember playing double dutch, riding bikes, playing kickball, have slumber parties, making up dances to songs, having singing contest, and even "playing the dozens". It all happened outside of school and while we had adult supervision, there was little to no adult intervention.
I am not saying organized activities are bad, but think about how much of your child's day is scheduled. If they don't have at least a few hours every day where they can just be a kid, maybe think about easing up a bit. There is just a short window of time. My mom is now 71, I can still remember her teaching us cheers they used to do when she was little. I still remember her building a huge white boat out of Legos with us. I still remember playing cards together. No pictures or videos to spark the memories - those experiences are a part of me. I am 37 years old and I remember those times like it was yesterday. 

The Birthday Suprise - Role Changes

We have reached a new milestone in our home – we have a seven year old! While every birthday is special, I know in my heart that this one is different. I can see it in his eyes, in his smile, in his deeper thinking. My “snuggle bunny” is no longer a little boy. He no longer needs me for everything; he understands that momma is good for some things, many things, but not everything. I always knew he was what this world would categorize as a “genius”; I just didn’t realize his internal knowledge would even allow him to peg me correctly.

We have finally reached the point in our relationship where I know I can’t be his everything. It is time for me to step aside and let my husband step into his role as primary parent. Don’t get me wrong, I am still very much necessary in the life of my son. I love him and he loves me. He needs me and will need me for a very long time. I am still the primary home schooling parent and there is much I still need to teach him, even in terms of life.

However, I can also admit he has reached some places where the area is too gray for me to be a good guide. I know, inside and out, all there is to growing into a woman; I don’t have the knowledge necessary to help him become a man. This road is too important to be left to chance; I could only impart “book knowledge” and that is not nearly enough. Add to that my son being a Black man, with all the nuance and rules and baggage I just don’t quite fully understand. I look at my son now and I start to see the shadows of my husband in his eyes, he is very much his daddy’s son. His dad can tell him about being a “nerd” and loving it, being who you are and not falling into traps of what society tells you to be, being quiet and kind – but still knowing how to put a bully down and his back. My husband is the absolute perfect embodiment of being meek and mild, yet strong and capable. He is like Professor X without the wheelchair, or maybe the Hulk without the emotional problems – just a kind, gentle,  brilliant man who can pull out a good can of “whoop ass” if he needs to protect his family. He can teach the balance that I am not required to have in a way that has our “family seal” if you will.

My job isn’t done in the least, but it has changed. I, however, don’t at all feel the push to pawn him off on society and turn him over to “friends” for “socialization”. He still needs two parents in his life; my husband and I are just switching roles a bit. For over seven years (yes, I include my time being pregnant) I was everything to my son. I rubbed my belly and spoke soft words to him as he grew; I nursed him exclusively for six months, and then continued to nurse him for a year. I monitored his time with the nanny like a hawk and was the absolute helicopter parent for his one year in private school. I swooped in like a momma eagle when we knew it was time to home school and I thrived in my job as “everything”. Now, I move from being “everything” to being essential. I see “essential” like the essential vitamins and minerals our bodies need to live. We need 20 vitamins and minerals, but the body produces only 11; we have to get the other 9 from the food we eat. What my son needs from me he can’t get anywhere else in the world. There are some essential things that only a momma can impart and to not give him what he needs from me will leave him under nourished in his development. It’s time for me to concentrate on those things. If I tried to continue to be everything, I would flounder in those things that can only exclusively come from mom. I guess my role hasn’t really diminished, but shifted.

It’s still hard, leaving the role of everything. But, there is no time to shed tears or long for that baby in my arms once again. There are those essential things I need to start to focus on, to impart, and to give. These seven years have been great, but I guess it’s time for the both of us to grow a bit.  

Here are those 9 Essential’s that will be coming from me:

1.       A healthy dose of cynicism/skepticism. I know, you were probably thinking I would start with something about being loving, sweet, and kind. That will come, but the best thing I can impart in my son is being a skeptic and having the drive to find out for himself what is true.

2.       Moving toward perfection. My son can be a perfectionist and that is hard. I used to tell him that it was okay, that what he did was good enough. However, “good enough” isn’t good enough anymore, he is older and ready for challenge. I need to teach him that good work takes time.  I need to teach him that sometimes you try and fail and need to try again, sometimes what you have is good, but you can do better. Sometimes we start with a draft, but we keep tweaking until we get ever closer to that picture in our mind.

3.       Fun is necessary. What is the point of life if you aren’t enjoying it? Having fun should be a part of everyday. Enjoy being human. Being human is about having emotions, thoughts, desires, ambitions, dreams, highs and lows, and everything else in between. You are not an animal that has to rely on instinct; you are an individual with freewill. With freewill comes a consequence (both good and bad) from your decisions – so choose wisely. However, enjoy and embrace even the lows.

4.       Family matters. I will continue to foster and encourage good, healthy, and strong sibling relationships. I am amazed at how children are encouraged to abandon their siblings and cling to friends. However, as people grow – that sibling relationship stays constant. Anyone with older parents knows that siblings often times have to come together to make some pretty big decisions (like whether or not to pull the plug on a parent). You need a good, healthy, strong relationship for the road ahead that life offers. Your siblings can be lifelong friends, lifelong enemies, or turn into casual acquaintances. I want to encourage my eldest to look at his siblings as potential best friends he can have for the rest of his life. People that loved him before he could do anything great. His brother and sister have looked up to and admired him from the day they were born, they were his fans before anyone knew he was a genius – they will be there the when the world becomes unimpressed that he took an “anatomy of the human brain” course at four years old.  Of course, Mom and Dad will always be there for you, always love you, and always do what we think is best for you. However, we are not perfect. We have and will continue to make mistakes. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge those mistakes or question our decisions. We can handle it and no one should be followed blindly. You needed to trust as completely as a baby; you are no longer a baby. We want you to be better than we are, and the one way for you to do better is to not only take on what we have done well and do it for yourself, but to learn from any mistakes we make and not duplicate them.

5.       Un-school on purpose. Learn those things you want to know. Follow your passion, find your flow. The people that become great are the ones who dug deeply into the things that ignited their fire. It’s easy to learn the things you “have” to know in life and when all else fails – pay someone to do those things for you. It’s amazing how much other stuff you learn while trying to unlock the keys to the things that make you feel alive. The world has enough cogs and people that simply do what is required of them. Society had enough pegs that are fine with being banged on the head with the hammer of life until they fit neatly into the slot predesignated for them. Embrace this unique opportunity you have of blazing your own trail. You have everything anyone with a passion could have ever desired – an amazing mind, a family to support you emotionally and financially, an opportunity to find a dream worth following and to pursue it, an environment where mistakes are allowed, and most importantly – time. Many people find out much too late that life unfulfilled is barely worth living and many people regret the risks not taken in the safety of youth. Einstein, Picasso, Da Vinci or Steve Jobs couldn’t have hoped for a better environment than what you have available to you right now. Take this opportunity and run with it.  

6.       To thyself be true. Know who you are, what you enjoy, what you desire, what makes you happy, what you do well, and what you need to work on. The person you will spend the most time with is yourself – learn you and love you first. There is no box he needs to fit into, no mold he needs to be pressed into, and no preset path he needs to walk, job, or run. Embrace being unique and an individual. Everything society will tell you to do will try to get you to conform, resist it with everything you have. It is what makes you human – free will and uniqueness. Don’t ever give it up. However, you can be true to a person you don’t know. Invest the time and energy of getting to know you – even as you change, develop, and grow.

7.       You don’t have to “believe” you can “know”.  This is akin to number one, except this will deal with his own set of truths. One need not rely on faith or belief; he should know what is true and search until he is satisfied with the answer. We are not going to pass on “faith” to you, but knowledge. Knowledge that should be checked, questioned, and checked again. Love requires a choice and you have been given the amazing gift of freewill – use it. Relationship is 100% you own decision.

8.       Health before wealth. Being healthy matters a lot. Wealth is easier to get when you are healthy and it is easier to enjoy when you are healthy. No use making a lot of money only to have to sit around sick watching other people spend it.

9.       Love on purpose. Don’t fall in love; jump into it with both eyes open understanding everything involved. Give your time, energy, and heart only to people that first show they are worthy of it. Appreciate those that care about who you are as an individual, with no sign of reward from their efforts.