There are just some things I home school child has an opportunity to do that just couldn't happen if they were in a more traditional school environment. There are just some things gifted children do that makes much more sense in your own home, than much of the world would understand. Such is the case with my eldest and his pet ferret.
Ferrets make pretty interesting pets - they are full of energy, love to play, love to explore, and the love to socialize. While cute, they are a handful as a pet - which is why we realize our home isn't ready for one. My son, however, decided he was ready for one - in walks his Webkinz Ferret; yes, that plush stuffed animal with an online presence. Now, many kids have Webkinz, and many kids go online everyday to feed, water, walk, and play with their stuffed animal in a virtual world. My eldest will sometimes do just that. However, he doesn't want a virtual pet - he wants a real one. And here we come to the place where only a parents of gifted kids will understand, and where all parents who home school breathe a sigh of relief - the pet.
We visited the local pet store that carries ferrets - every day for a
week for an hour! We now continue to go on a regular basis - so that he
can watch the ferrets ad monitor their behavior.Wanting to be a good pet owner, my son had me purchase every pet ferret book available. We brought a couple of cute children's books about ferrets - but those were fictional stories to be read with amusement. While fun to read, they didn't prepare him for his pet. So, we moved on to the real deal - books geared toward adult pet owners. He has had me read to him books on how to train your pet ferret, understanding ferrets, even "the Dummies Guide to Ferrets". He could now teach a college level course on ferrets! We even found a video with ferret owners showing off their ferrets (and talking about the dying process as ferrets have a life expectancy of around 8 years). Understanding the entire aspect of ferret ownership, he felt himself ready.
So his Webkinz went from being simply a plush toy - to for all intents and purposes a real ferret. Since we weren't willing to pay $200 for a ferret cage for a toy ferret - he build his own ferret habitat. It has everything a ferret needs including a hammock, a litter box, feeding bowl, water bowl, and even toys. It is multilevel because ferrets like to climb. Knowing ferrets like to go outside - he make a custom leash and harness to fit his "pet" perfectly and even created the perfect pet carrier. He takes his "pet" with him on most of our outings.
How serious is he in this endeavor? I am writing this at 6:30 in the morning and he just got out of bed to get breakfast for his ferret! He can't keep a hungry pet waiting.
While for about 30 minutes of this experience I was concerned, I have been overjoyed the rest of the time. Yes, the neighbors may think they entire family has gone bonkers (we call the "pet" by name and often ask my eldest how the little guy is doing and if he wants to play), but this is healthy. He hasn't moved him any closer to securing a real ferret and he understands that (ferrets are a LOT of work), but he has moved a lot closer to figuring out how to solve his own problems and be the master of his own destiny.
His creativity and problem solving have been impeccable in with this experience. Other than my husband using the hole puncher for the hammock, my son had created the entire habitat on his own. He is also continuing to incorporate new information that he finds. For instance, he learned that ferrets do well with another ferret - so he has started to make the habitat livable for two ferrets. He has increased the number of litter boxes, added a few more toys, and enlarged the sleeping space. He is all set for his new ferret. He has no idea my husband ordered one for him - we are encouraging this journey.
An amazing thing is that he is getting many of the benefits of owning a pet - his ferret has a calming effect on him, he will hold it close in uncomfortable situations (trips to the doctor, intensive vision therapy, and even trips to the dentist), he is learning responsibility, increasing his empathy, and learning responsible pet ownership. I am not sure he would gain more from actually having a real ferret (okay, maybe learning that an animal will actually bite you if you don't handle it properly). All the lessons he could learn from a real pet are probably best learned when he is older - he is only six after all. But "I" am very happy about what he has gained and continues to learn. He has taken on this challenge the way I have come to expect from profoundly gifted children - a desire for intensive and deep knowledge (he recently asked to build a scale model of the skeleton of a ferret), and immense amount of creativity, and the laser focus of a scud missile. I am not sure how long this phase will last, but we are all enjoying the "pet" ferret, but I am mostly enjoying watching my son embrace something he loves and a passion he has so thoroughly.
Showing posts with label gifted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gifted. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2012
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Great Leaps Forward - thinking things through
One of the most interesting experiences in parenting gifted children is the "great leaps forward". Most people are familiar with amazing leaps children do as babies - the first time they roll over, crawl, walk or say "mommy". Children also complete intellectual leaps, and for gifted children those leaps can happen pretty often and be quite amazing.
Our twins just turned four years old, and the leaps they have bounded in the past couple of months have been quite amazing. For my son, his leaps have been in his amazing reasoning ability. When he isn't busy coming up with new games, running around the house, and overall being - well, a four year old - he likes to sit and talk. While the "quiet" one in our bunch (and quiet simply means not talking 23 1/3 hours a day), his soft observations of the world are quite profound. The kids had a hankering for pets, my eldest first thought he wanted a turtle, my daughter a butterfly, and her twin a bird. As we were driving to the pet store (to look only!) my bird lover started to tell me about the experiences he would have with his bird. "I will need to take him to the potty. I will have to hold him up will he poops so that he doesn't fall in". I know, potty talk from an almost four year old isn't "profound". But think about what he said. He was already thinking in details about the ways in which he would need to care for his pet. Now, we have a very active bird feeder in our yard and have identified almost ten different species that frequent the feeder almost daily - so he has seen birds quite a bit and know they don't come inside to use the potty. He realized that a pet bird would need to be taken care of differently than wild bird. He realized cleanliness would be important for a pet and he would need to be responsible for that. He understood his role would be that of protector and although he is small, he would be the one responsible for his pet. He was, in his young mid, thinking through the details of what would be needed to take good care of his pet. He was still a month shy of being four at this experience, still a baby himself in many ways, but he was able to mentally contemplate what would be needed for him to be in the role of caregiver - a sign not just of the ability to role play - but signs of empathy and compassion. This is a leap seen almost five years earlier than we would normally expect to see it. While we didn't leave the pet store with a bird, I left with a better understanding of the inner thoughts of my little thinker, my contemplater, my little guy who takes what to him are big problems and solves them quietly in his head. He will never ask for help while he is thinking and (like his father) will only speak when he feels like he has come up with a good and workable solution he can implement. Also like his father, those solutions often deal with self sacrifice so that others can helped, or happy, or a little more whole. Its funny, when people see my little guy they often say "oh, that one will keep your hands full". On the outside they see a little boy who is a ball of energy and a bit head strong. They will never hear his thoughts for taking care of his pet bird. He never shares his plans, goals, or ideas. He cherishes his thoughts and plans, he some how knows ideas have value and shouldn't be simply tossed around to those who won't appreciate that work that went in to forming them. He seems to have a built in protection system around his inner thoughts and his soul.
I wait in anticipation at what his young mind will bring forth. I often cut through the noise of the world to try to hear him every time quietly calls me name, finally ready to share with me a thought he has been wrestling with. Sometimes its about ways to tornado proof buildings, sometimes new games he has invented, sometimes he shares solutions to problems presented in stories we read, and sometimes its other gentle and loving ways to care for his future pet bird.
My son represents a segment of the gifted population many people never see until they do something great as adults. My son is brilliant, but he only performs "on paper" when he wants to . It will take a very skilled professional to accurately test his IQ - he simply has no mind to entertain questions he thinks are silly, stupid, or have more than one valid answer - so choosing just one answer makes no sense at all. I often tell my husband I think he is the most gifted of the bunch, not because of what he knows or retains, but because of the relationship he has with his own thoughts, his own mind. He is confident in his ability to think, to figure it out, to find a way - eventually. He trusts himself enough to wrestle with an issue, to turn it over in his head, to think about it and come up with a solution. And when he is ready to defend it, he is ready to speak it out.
His brother laughed when he talked of taking his bird to the potty. Unnerved him simply replied - my bird will be able to do it, I will train him, he will want to be clean and not have bird poop in his cage. You don't poop in your room, why should my bird poop in his. You know, I am fully convinced that given the time and the chance, there will be a toilet pooping bird in our home some day!
Our twins just turned four years old, and the leaps they have bounded in the past couple of months have been quite amazing. For my son, his leaps have been in his amazing reasoning ability. When he isn't busy coming up with new games, running around the house, and overall being - well, a four year old - he likes to sit and talk. While the "quiet" one in our bunch (and quiet simply means not talking 23 1/3 hours a day), his soft observations of the world are quite profound. The kids had a hankering for pets, my eldest first thought he wanted a turtle, my daughter a butterfly, and her twin a bird. As we were driving to the pet store (to look only!) my bird lover started to tell me about the experiences he would have with his bird. "I will need to take him to the potty. I will have to hold him up will he poops so that he doesn't fall in". I know, potty talk from an almost four year old isn't "profound". But think about what he said. He was already thinking in details about the ways in which he would need to care for his pet. Now, we have a very active bird feeder in our yard and have identified almost ten different species that frequent the feeder almost daily - so he has seen birds quite a bit and know they don't come inside to use the potty. He realized that a pet bird would need to be taken care of differently than wild bird. He realized cleanliness would be important for a pet and he would need to be responsible for that. He understood his role would be that of protector and although he is small, he would be the one responsible for his pet. He was, in his young mid, thinking through the details of what would be needed to take good care of his pet. He was still a month shy of being four at this experience, still a baby himself in many ways, but he was able to mentally contemplate what would be needed for him to be in the role of caregiver - a sign not just of the ability to role play - but signs of empathy and compassion. This is a leap seen almost five years earlier than we would normally expect to see it. While we didn't leave the pet store with a bird, I left with a better understanding of the inner thoughts of my little thinker, my contemplater, my little guy who takes what to him are big problems and solves them quietly in his head. He will never ask for help while he is thinking and (like his father) will only speak when he feels like he has come up with a good and workable solution he can implement. Also like his father, those solutions often deal with self sacrifice so that others can helped, or happy, or a little more whole. Its funny, when people see my little guy they often say "oh, that one will keep your hands full". On the outside they see a little boy who is a ball of energy and a bit head strong. They will never hear his thoughts for taking care of his pet bird. He never shares his plans, goals, or ideas. He cherishes his thoughts and plans, he some how knows ideas have value and shouldn't be simply tossed around to those who won't appreciate that work that went in to forming them. He seems to have a built in protection system around his inner thoughts and his soul.
I wait in anticipation at what his young mind will bring forth. I often cut through the noise of the world to try to hear him every time quietly calls me name, finally ready to share with me a thought he has been wrestling with. Sometimes its about ways to tornado proof buildings, sometimes new games he has invented, sometimes he shares solutions to problems presented in stories we read, and sometimes its other gentle and loving ways to care for his future pet bird.
My son represents a segment of the gifted population many people never see until they do something great as adults. My son is brilliant, but he only performs "on paper" when he wants to . It will take a very skilled professional to accurately test his IQ - he simply has no mind to entertain questions he thinks are silly, stupid, or have more than one valid answer - so choosing just one answer makes no sense at all. I often tell my husband I think he is the most gifted of the bunch, not because of what he knows or retains, but because of the relationship he has with his own thoughts, his own mind. He is confident in his ability to think, to figure it out, to find a way - eventually. He trusts himself enough to wrestle with an issue, to turn it over in his head, to think about it and come up with a solution. And when he is ready to defend it, he is ready to speak it out.
His brother laughed when he talked of taking his bird to the potty. Unnerved him simply replied - my bird will be able to do it, I will train him, he will want to be clean and not have bird poop in his cage. You don't poop in your room, why should my bird poop in his. You know, I am fully convinced that given the time and the chance, there will be a toilet pooping bird in our home some day!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Deep, Dark, and Scary World of Gifted Children Part 2
So what is this all about? Why am I writing this. I am writing about this because I was recently reading a blog where a woman's daughter would "guest write" from time to time. Her words were so beautiful, so well thought out, so powerful. Although her mother never mentioned it, you could tell her daughter was quite the gifted child. Not just because she had an amazing vocabulary and an extensive command of the English language, she was also good at so many things (dance, academics, etc.). She also had emotional intensity and was working her way through negative thinking that had plunged her quite often into depression. As I read her amazing words she wrote I often saw my own kids. Although there were quite a bit younger than this fourteen year old - there seemed to be a kindred heart as I read her writing. Then I got quite startled because I remembered why I was reading her blog postings - it had just been posted on a listserv that I belong to that this sensitive, wonderful, amazing young girl had just fallen to her death as she jumped from a 5th story window of an abandoned building. This wasn't her first suicide attempt, but like many gifted children she was unfortunately bright enough to eventually get even that right. Her mother's blogs showed that she had tried hard to help her daughter, but just couldn't lift her from her despair. This was enough to know we needed to continue to work hard with our children. While all three are still very young, they won't be young forever. We must build in them to skills to stop the self hate, to manage the negative talk, to have a realistic expectation of themselves and the world around them.
So, what are we doing? The first and most important step we took when my eldest was three years old. We found a psychologist. Having a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children is key. I encourage anyone within a 5 hour (yes hour) drive of metro Atlanta to check out Spomenka Newman (http://www.psychologist4kids.com/), but there are other such people across the country. If you know a good one that you can recommend, please post it in my comments section! The psychologist isn't just for your children, you need an advocate who you can turn to for advice and support. This is hard, this is so very hard. I know many gifted families that co-sleep with their children. Maybe not the entire night, but whenever their children come into the room at night they make room in the bed. Its because we know that whether they be 3, 5, or 15 - they are coming to our bedroom door because they are feeling scared and alone and dealing with something deep and also a bit scary for themselves. They have come to the one place they can find comfort and support, the only place they can find a bit of rest. We know if we turn them away they have been left to fight that despair, that fear, the pain all alone and they just aren't quite yet ready. I know of families that have two mattresses pushed together on the floor - they, like us, have multiple gifted children and even a king sized bed can get crowded!
The second thing I feel is important is to find peers - you need to know other families with highly gifted children. There are just some things only your true peers can understand. You need other people that realize when your child says "I am the worst person in the world" - they truly believe that at the time. Someone who understands when your son breaks down to cry it isn't because he is a "wimp"; its because he is knowledgeable beyond his years but still very much a child and he is just overwhelmed by what he knows is wrong that he can't seem to fix.
The third thing is to find an appropriate educational environment for your child. It is estimated that half of all profoundly gifted children are homeschooled. This means that half of them are traditionally schooled. Ensure that your child has exposure to teachers that understand gifted children. This will ensure their expectations are not unreasonably set, the teacher will know to look out for perfectionism, and the teacher will be skilled in handling emotional intensity. Ensure the lines of communication are open. For homeschooling families, read the emotional signs of your children and be comfortable letting school work take a back seat every once in while for the sake of mental health.
Explore all possible contributing factors to your child's emotional needs. When we had our eldest tested for dyslexia, we found he also had some vision issues. Upon vision testing we learned he was dealing with Moro Reflex issues - are natural reflex that happens in babies in utero that should be gone by age one. Because his wasn't, his upper and lower body were still working as one unit. This meant his "startle" reflex was still on - big time. This issue often leads to extreme emotional intensity in children. Imagine your "fight or flight" natural reaction activated all day, every day. This was the emotional life of our child. Everything that happened to him would trigger the fight or flight reflex - his poor little body was in a constant state of shock. This physical reaction was taking a toll on his emotions. He felt everything deeply, not just emotionally, but physically as well. Our first task in therapy was working on his Moro Reflex, those loose his body from this physical and emotional prison of the extreme.
A fifth piece of advice: Get educated. Thankfully today there are plenty of resources dealing with the emotional lives of gifted children. Some resources I have enjoyed, or am now reading include the following:
Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels and Michael Piechowski
Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking by Tamar Chanksy
The Out-of Sync Child has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
The Mislabed Child by Brock and Fernette Eide
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter more than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
There are more great resources out there - feel free to list your own in the comments section!
A final note is to understand and acknowledge your own gifted struggles. Gifted children aren't planted here by alien seed - they are the product of their genetic make-up. The biggest struggle I have had is acknowledging my own giftedness; allowing myself to relive those deep and dark places of despair I visited as a child. Trying to be sensitive to my children as my natural mind tells me to simply say "toughen up" or "its not that bad" is almost cruel to hear for a child going through it in the moment. I remember being a gifted child and it did feel that bad, the world did seem the cruel, and life did seem that hard. If you have unresolved issues - get professional help. It isn't too late. And don't just do it for your child, do it for you.
Those with other advice - feel free to post in the comments section. We are a family, all in this together!
So, what are we doing? The first and most important step we took when my eldest was three years old. We found a psychologist. Having a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children is key. I encourage anyone within a 5 hour (yes hour) drive of metro Atlanta to check out Spomenka Newman (http://www.psychologist4kids.com/), but there are other such people across the country. If you know a good one that you can recommend, please post it in my comments section! The psychologist isn't just for your children, you need an advocate who you can turn to for advice and support. This is hard, this is so very hard. I know many gifted families that co-sleep with their children. Maybe not the entire night, but whenever their children come into the room at night they make room in the bed. Its because we know that whether they be 3, 5, or 15 - they are coming to our bedroom door because they are feeling scared and alone and dealing with something deep and also a bit scary for themselves. They have come to the one place they can find comfort and support, the only place they can find a bit of rest. We know if we turn them away they have been left to fight that despair, that fear, the pain all alone and they just aren't quite yet ready. I know of families that have two mattresses pushed together on the floor - they, like us, have multiple gifted children and even a king sized bed can get crowded!
The second thing I feel is important is to find peers - you need to know other families with highly gifted children. There are just some things only your true peers can understand. You need other people that realize when your child says "I am the worst person in the world" - they truly believe that at the time. Someone who understands when your son breaks down to cry it isn't because he is a "wimp"; its because he is knowledgeable beyond his years but still very much a child and he is just overwhelmed by what he knows is wrong that he can't seem to fix.
The third thing is to find an appropriate educational environment for your child. It is estimated that half of all profoundly gifted children are homeschooled. This means that half of them are traditionally schooled. Ensure that your child has exposure to teachers that understand gifted children. This will ensure their expectations are not unreasonably set, the teacher will know to look out for perfectionism, and the teacher will be skilled in handling emotional intensity. Ensure the lines of communication are open. For homeschooling families, read the emotional signs of your children and be comfortable letting school work take a back seat every once in while for the sake of mental health.
Explore all possible contributing factors to your child's emotional needs. When we had our eldest tested for dyslexia, we found he also had some vision issues. Upon vision testing we learned he was dealing with Moro Reflex issues - are natural reflex that happens in babies in utero that should be gone by age one. Because his wasn't, his upper and lower body were still working as one unit. This meant his "startle" reflex was still on - big time. This issue often leads to extreme emotional intensity in children. Imagine your "fight or flight" natural reaction activated all day, every day. This was the emotional life of our child. Everything that happened to him would trigger the fight or flight reflex - his poor little body was in a constant state of shock. This physical reaction was taking a toll on his emotions. He felt everything deeply, not just emotionally, but physically as well. Our first task in therapy was working on his Moro Reflex, those loose his body from this physical and emotional prison of the extreme.
A fifth piece of advice: Get educated. Thankfully today there are plenty of resources dealing with the emotional lives of gifted children. Some resources I have enjoyed, or am now reading include the following:
Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels and Michael Piechowski
Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking by Tamar Chanksy
The Out-of Sync Child has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
The Mislabed Child by Brock and Fernette Eide
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter more than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
There are more great resources out there - feel free to list your own in the comments section!
A final note is to understand and acknowledge your own gifted struggles. Gifted children aren't planted here by alien seed - they are the product of their genetic make-up. The biggest struggle I have had is acknowledging my own giftedness; allowing myself to relive those deep and dark places of despair I visited as a child. Trying to be sensitive to my children as my natural mind tells me to simply say "toughen up" or "its not that bad" is almost cruel to hear for a child going through it in the moment. I remember being a gifted child and it did feel that bad, the world did seem the cruel, and life did seem that hard. If you have unresolved issues - get professional help. It isn't too late. And don't just do it for your child, do it for you.
Those with other advice - feel free to post in the comments section. We are a family, all in this together!
The Deep, Dark, and Scary World of Gifted Children Part 1
Oh how I have toiled and prayed about this blog posting. However, it is time.This is the topic that makes parents of gifted children want to spit when we here "but ALL children are gifted". Really? All families deal with this? What is "this"? This is the area of raising a gifted child that sends parents to their first visit with a psychologist. In the profoundly gifted population - the visit happens rather early. For us, it happened when my eldest was just three years old.
I was encouraged to start this blog to help other parents of gifted children and hopefully build an online community of where parents can say "yes, there is someone going through what I am going through". Now is the time to tackle the issue that probably sent you searching in the first place. You see, parents of gifted children don't stay up at night unable to sleep because their child started talking in complete sentences at 15 months old, or because they found them reading Harry Potter at the age of four. Its the "other" side of gifted, the side no one ever really sees or experiences unless they also have a gifted child. Its the first time your child collapses into a heap on the floor and cries for hours because they made a mistake. Its when your child thinks they are "stupid" because they got an answer wrong while independently doing work created for children twice their age - or more. Its when your child looks at you with tears in their eyes and says "I'm bad, I need to be punished" when they make even the most common mistake. And when that child is just three years old its hurts even more. You know that look, you can see it in their eyes; the self loathing and self hate because they are not the perfect person you never even asked them to be.
"This" comes in many different categories, attached to many different labels. Sometimes it is simple perfectionism - wanting themselves to be flawless for every task, no matter how great or challenging. They can see quite clearly how the wiggled just a little when drawing their first letter "A". You try to console them "honey, its great, it was your first try, your only two - many kids don't draw their first letter A until they are five". It doesn't help, the meltdown has started and there is no stopping this flood. They have seen themselves as less than what they thought everyone else expected them to be and they feel they must be punished. While people on the "outside" are in awe at all the things your kids can do; inside you cringe every time you see a mental leap coming on. Every time you hear those words "mommy, I think I would like to learn". Doesn't matter what they are learning - advanced quantitative physics or tying their shoe - you know in your heart this is going to rip them apart, because learning takes time. And even though they do it three to four times faster than most people, that isn't fast enough for them.
Another category is emotional intensity. Oh my word most people can't understand just how high a high can be or just how low a low can be. The first time I saw emotional intensity my eldest was nine months old. He wanted to nurse while he slept, I wanted to sleep. So, while rocking him in a rocking chair I slipped his pacifier into his mouth. He sat up, took his pacifier in his little baby hand - and threw it was such force across the room when it hit the wall my husband ran into the room thinking someone had fallen. We have calmed him significantly from those baby days - with gentle parenting (no hitting, no yelling). However, those victories are only surface, because while he doesn't have violent outbursts - he has turned that rage and frustration on himself. When he does something wrong, no matter how slight - he will send himself to his room. When he fails to be a perfect little boy he will shout at himself with anger "you are so bad, I am so mad at you!" My sweet, gentle, honest, kind, loving little boy looks at himself with disgust because he sometimes forgets to put a toy away. I am left with nothing more to do but hold him and hug him and cry to myself as I try to emotionally pull out all that "stuff" - he is too little, too young, to vulnerable for feelings like this.
Yet another category is negative thinking. Gifted kids are so acutely aware of the world around them that they can find the negative in a rainbow. "But mommy, isn't the color black sad that it never has an opportunity to be a part of the colors of the rainbow". We went through a tornado and had two trees fall on our home - only to flee to my inlaws home just 30 minutes before an F5 swept through their neighborhood. It was such a scary experience - to everyone. But to my kids, this has become their life. One of my three year old twins continued to ask "how did those houses fall down". 1/3 of the homes in the neighborhood were lost and my son was confused because these were big strong brick houses. Being a fan of the "3 Little Pigs" he continued to demand to know how do brick houses get blown down like we - we had told him for years that brick houses were strong. Well, I never knew to make the exception while reading the story "except in the case of a rare F5 tornado". He had nightmares, his behavior changed, he started to frequently wet the bed. His little three year old mind is still, three months later, trying to come to terms with the fact that mommy and daddy kept this possibility from him. Now every wind brings him close to tears - could this be another tornado? Could our brick house fall down? What else did mommy and daddy keep from me - is there an F6 tornado? How do we know there isn't an F6? Why did God allow an F5 tornado? What happened to the people that were in that house the completely collapsed? What happens if we are outside and a tornado comes? What is daddy is a work during a tornado - can he get home? What happens when you "get dead"? My little three year old son should be thinking about fun things, having a good time, being a kid. Instead, he is wondering the tornado rating of every building he enters - who built it, how strong, how do we know it is strong enough, what if it isn't strong enough?
Do you see your kids in any of these stories? Do any of these experiences speak to you? If so, please read Part 2 which will be posted shortly. In part 2 I will talk about what compelled me to bear my soul and open up the box that is often shut tight and left inside of most homes with gifted children. And I will talk about the ways we deal with this dark and scary side of gifted in our home.
I was encouraged to start this blog to help other parents of gifted children and hopefully build an online community of where parents can say "yes, there is someone going through what I am going through". Now is the time to tackle the issue that probably sent you searching in the first place. You see, parents of gifted children don't stay up at night unable to sleep because their child started talking in complete sentences at 15 months old, or because they found them reading Harry Potter at the age of four. Its the "other" side of gifted, the side no one ever really sees or experiences unless they also have a gifted child. Its the first time your child collapses into a heap on the floor and cries for hours because they made a mistake. Its when your child thinks they are "stupid" because they got an answer wrong while independently doing work created for children twice their age - or more. Its when your child looks at you with tears in their eyes and says "I'm bad, I need to be punished" when they make even the most common mistake. And when that child is just three years old its hurts even more. You know that look, you can see it in their eyes; the self loathing and self hate because they are not the perfect person you never even asked them to be.
"This" comes in many different categories, attached to many different labels. Sometimes it is simple perfectionism - wanting themselves to be flawless for every task, no matter how great or challenging. They can see quite clearly how the wiggled just a little when drawing their first letter "A". You try to console them "honey, its great, it was your first try, your only two - many kids don't draw their first letter A until they are five". It doesn't help, the meltdown has started and there is no stopping this flood. They have seen themselves as less than what they thought everyone else expected them to be and they feel they must be punished. While people on the "outside" are in awe at all the things your kids can do; inside you cringe every time you see a mental leap coming on. Every time you hear those words "mommy, I think I would like to learn". Doesn't matter what they are learning - advanced quantitative physics or tying their shoe - you know in your heart this is going to rip them apart, because learning takes time. And even though they do it three to four times faster than most people, that isn't fast enough for them.
Another category is emotional intensity. Oh my word most people can't understand just how high a high can be or just how low a low can be. The first time I saw emotional intensity my eldest was nine months old. He wanted to nurse while he slept, I wanted to sleep. So, while rocking him in a rocking chair I slipped his pacifier into his mouth. He sat up, took his pacifier in his little baby hand - and threw it was such force across the room when it hit the wall my husband ran into the room thinking someone had fallen. We have calmed him significantly from those baby days - with gentle parenting (no hitting, no yelling). However, those victories are only surface, because while he doesn't have violent outbursts - he has turned that rage and frustration on himself. When he does something wrong, no matter how slight - he will send himself to his room. When he fails to be a perfect little boy he will shout at himself with anger "you are so bad, I am so mad at you!" My sweet, gentle, honest, kind, loving little boy looks at himself with disgust because he sometimes forgets to put a toy away. I am left with nothing more to do but hold him and hug him and cry to myself as I try to emotionally pull out all that "stuff" - he is too little, too young, to vulnerable for feelings like this.
Yet another category is negative thinking. Gifted kids are so acutely aware of the world around them that they can find the negative in a rainbow. "But mommy, isn't the color black sad that it never has an opportunity to be a part of the colors of the rainbow". We went through a tornado and had two trees fall on our home - only to flee to my inlaws home just 30 minutes before an F5 swept through their neighborhood. It was such a scary experience - to everyone. But to my kids, this has become their life. One of my three year old twins continued to ask "how did those houses fall down". 1/3 of the homes in the neighborhood were lost and my son was confused because these were big strong brick houses. Being a fan of the "3 Little Pigs" he continued to demand to know how do brick houses get blown down like we - we had told him for years that brick houses were strong. Well, I never knew to make the exception while reading the story "except in the case of a rare F5 tornado". He had nightmares, his behavior changed, he started to frequently wet the bed. His little three year old mind is still, three months later, trying to come to terms with the fact that mommy and daddy kept this possibility from him. Now every wind brings him close to tears - could this be another tornado? Could our brick house fall down? What else did mommy and daddy keep from me - is there an F6 tornado? How do we know there isn't an F6? Why did God allow an F5 tornado? What happened to the people that were in that house the completely collapsed? What happens if we are outside and a tornado comes? What is daddy is a work during a tornado - can he get home? What happens when you "get dead"? My little three year old son should be thinking about fun things, having a good time, being a kid. Instead, he is wondering the tornado rating of every building he enters - who built it, how strong, how do we know it is strong enough, what if it isn't strong enough?
Do you see your kids in any of these stories? Do any of these experiences speak to you? If so, please read Part 2 which will be posted shortly. In part 2 I will talk about what compelled me to bear my soul and open up the box that is often shut tight and left inside of most homes with gifted children. And I will talk about the ways we deal with this dark and scary side of gifted in our home.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
100 Books for fun
Having a gifted dyslexic child can be challenging. He has compensated for his dyslexia in such a way that makes intensive phonics work seem unnecessary to him (until we get to phonics rule 50 or so and it becomes "new"). As a result, I needed something to encourage him to work with me and read, read, and read. Of course, he thinks he can already read. When tested a few months ago he was reading at the First grade, six month level. Not bad, but definitely well below where he should have been (he was in K at the time). I wanted to do something to encourage him to stick with me and for him to see light at the end of the tunnel as well as progress.
Looking through an Oriental Trading catalog I saw many resources celebrating " First 100 Days of School". Light bulb went off - lets read 100 books! With dyslexia, it is important to get kids to read, read, and read. It is also important that they read out loud and become comfortable with reading (reading aloud also lets the parent hear where they are struggling). So, we are doing the "First 100 Books". I got a an amazing cardboard train with 100 numbered large and colorful train cars. We will write the name of each book he reads aloud on a train car. We will start with simple Bob Books and work our way up to more complex chapter books.
I told him he got to chose a reward for reading 100 books. In typical, gifted child fashion, his chosen reward (and absolutely nothing was off the table) was to build a robot at night! His robot building has to be during the day, but he would like to be able to stay of late to build a robot as a reward. Not your typical reward, but it is motivating him to get started on his journey! If we are successful I will continue on to the next hundred. The moral of the story is to find a passion for your child as a way of motivating them to do the hard things. Reading a book out loud is a hard thing for a dyslexic child - if robots is what is needed to encourage my little guy to read 100 of them - I am all for it!
Looking through an Oriental Trading catalog I saw many resources celebrating " First 100 Days of School". Light bulb went off - lets read 100 books! With dyslexia, it is important to get kids to read, read, and read. It is also important that they read out loud and become comfortable with reading (reading aloud also lets the parent hear where they are struggling). So, we are doing the "First 100 Books". I got a an amazing cardboard train with 100 numbered large and colorful train cars. We will write the name of each book he reads aloud on a train car. We will start with simple Bob Books and work our way up to more complex chapter books.
I told him he got to chose a reward for reading 100 books. In typical, gifted child fashion, his chosen reward (and absolutely nothing was off the table) was to build a robot at night! His robot building has to be during the day, but he would like to be able to stay of late to build a robot as a reward. Not your typical reward, but it is motivating him to get started on his journey! If we are successful I will continue on to the next hundred. The moral of the story is to find a passion for your child as a way of motivating them to do the hard things. Reading a book out loud is a hard thing for a dyslexic child - if robots is what is needed to encourage my little guy to read 100 of them - I am all for it!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Do we need gifted education?
Another very valid question I am asked is do we need gifted education. It seems as if all of a sudden, parents of gifted children are asking for a different type of education for their children. The answer is, it isn't gifted children that has changed, its the schools.
My husband's grandfather - an amazingly gifted man in his 90's tells us often about his growing up in rural, poor, and segregated Alabama. At that time of turmoil and strife, he was education in a one room schoolhouse. One story he likes to tell is how he started school in the 1st grade. By the end of the week, he had finished 3rd grade. Back in the days of the one room school house, students were allowed to work at their own pace and ability level. Once you successfully read the primers (which would put many books in the schools today to shame), once you completed the math lessons - you were allowed to move on to the next grade. No waiting for age mates, no fear or "running out of work", no fear of getting too smart too fast.
The argument of whether or not he was "properly educated" is thrown out the window when you sit down to have a conversation with him. He is brilliant. He also has a career history that proves his intelligence and wit. He is credited with saving the power company he worked for (and retired from) millions of dollars. He was able to solve problems by taking a minute to examine the situation and utilize deductive reasoning. One story in particular is a stand out where the company brought it a group of engineers to solve a problem on a machine that had gone down. They spent days trying to figure it out. Grandpa Moss decided he had enough of sitting around waiting on someone else to solve the problem. He asked the highly skilled, highly educated engineers to step aside while he looked at the equipment. Figuring out a very nonstandard solution, he asked the men to help him adjust a part. They were hesitant (remember, this was rural Alabama and this Black man with only a high school diploma was claiming to have found the solution well educated engineers were baffled with). His boss assured the men to listen to Grandpa Moss, they made the adjustment together and the machine started up - working perfectly.
See, his intellect, his ability to solve problems, his ability to think outside the box was never educated out of him. The one room school house was filled with self directed, self paced, no holds barred learning. No one had to wait to be taught. If you needed help from the teacher, she would help you. However, you were under no obligation to wait for the class, not work ahead, or leave your eagerness to learn behind. As long as there was a primer and a math book waiting for you, you could advance ahead. When there were no more books, no more primers, when you had completed the entire curriculum - you were done. You graduated. No waiting for a special birthday, no filling in the time with busywork - go ahead and start your life.
Grandpa Moss isn't just good at fixing mechanical machine problems - he built the house he is currently living in with his own hands - brick by brick. He designed it, he piped it, he wired it. No, he didn't learn that from reading primers - another thing the one room school house gave gifted kids was time. No eight hour days in the classroom, no hours of homework at night. There was enough time left at the end of the day for exploring independent self study, even becoming an apprentice. You had time to tend to the garden, milk the cow, and still learn how to build a house.
As I watch my own children building with wooden blocks and Lego's, I mourn just a little. Even though we have tried to turn our home into the one room school house - there is still something missing. Something Grandpa Moss (well, Great Grandpa Moss to them) had that they won't. I often try to put my finger on it and I just can't quite do it. The closes I can come is normalcy. Grandpa Moss is most likely profoundly gifted, just like his great grandchildren, but he wasn't entirely unique in his day. Yes, he was probably the "smartest" person in that one room schoolhouse - but everyone in that school was a self teacher. Everyone finished their primers and their math and moved at their own pace. And while not everyone ended up at the power plant, being one of the few machine leads without a college education - no one starved. They all left with more than just a primer education. They were able to farm their own land, process their own meat, build their own houses, and read books in elementary grades that would stomp most college students today (Moby Dick was considered an elementary school text). While not everyone was gifted, there wasn't even a need to identify gifted. Everyone got what they needed. It wasn't unusual to start college at 13. Not everyone did it (Grandpa Moss didn't go to college), but there was no need for special permission to enroll. I am by no means trying to romanticize the past - life was hard, often times unfair, and hardship and pain were mainstays. It just makes me sad that as we worked to correct the past, to improve upon our yesterday - we managed to throw the baby out with the bath water. I truly hope we can find our way back - we need more Grandpa Moss'.
My husband's grandfather - an amazingly gifted man in his 90's tells us often about his growing up in rural, poor, and segregated Alabama. At that time of turmoil and strife, he was education in a one room schoolhouse. One story he likes to tell is how he started school in the 1st grade. By the end of the week, he had finished 3rd grade. Back in the days of the one room school house, students were allowed to work at their own pace and ability level. Once you successfully read the primers (which would put many books in the schools today to shame), once you completed the math lessons - you were allowed to move on to the next grade. No waiting for age mates, no fear or "running out of work", no fear of getting too smart too fast.
The argument of whether or not he was "properly educated" is thrown out the window when you sit down to have a conversation with him. He is brilliant. He also has a career history that proves his intelligence and wit. He is credited with saving the power company he worked for (and retired from) millions of dollars. He was able to solve problems by taking a minute to examine the situation and utilize deductive reasoning. One story in particular is a stand out where the company brought it a group of engineers to solve a problem on a machine that had gone down. They spent days trying to figure it out. Grandpa Moss decided he had enough of sitting around waiting on someone else to solve the problem. He asked the highly skilled, highly educated engineers to step aside while he looked at the equipment. Figuring out a very nonstandard solution, he asked the men to help him adjust a part. They were hesitant (remember, this was rural Alabama and this Black man with only a high school diploma was claiming to have found the solution well educated engineers were baffled with). His boss assured the men to listen to Grandpa Moss, they made the adjustment together and the machine started up - working perfectly.
See, his intellect, his ability to solve problems, his ability to think outside the box was never educated out of him. The one room school house was filled with self directed, self paced, no holds barred learning. No one had to wait to be taught. If you needed help from the teacher, she would help you. However, you were under no obligation to wait for the class, not work ahead, or leave your eagerness to learn behind. As long as there was a primer and a math book waiting for you, you could advance ahead. When there were no more books, no more primers, when you had completed the entire curriculum - you were done. You graduated. No waiting for a special birthday, no filling in the time with busywork - go ahead and start your life.
Grandpa Moss isn't just good at fixing mechanical machine problems - he built the house he is currently living in with his own hands - brick by brick. He designed it, he piped it, he wired it. No, he didn't learn that from reading primers - another thing the one room school house gave gifted kids was time. No eight hour days in the classroom, no hours of homework at night. There was enough time left at the end of the day for exploring independent self study, even becoming an apprentice. You had time to tend to the garden, milk the cow, and still learn how to build a house.
As I watch my own children building with wooden blocks and Lego's, I mourn just a little. Even though we have tried to turn our home into the one room school house - there is still something missing. Something Grandpa Moss (well, Great Grandpa Moss to them) had that they won't. I often try to put my finger on it and I just can't quite do it. The closes I can come is normalcy. Grandpa Moss is most likely profoundly gifted, just like his great grandchildren, but he wasn't entirely unique in his day. Yes, he was probably the "smartest" person in that one room schoolhouse - but everyone in that school was a self teacher. Everyone finished their primers and their math and moved at their own pace. And while not everyone ended up at the power plant, being one of the few machine leads without a college education - no one starved. They all left with more than just a primer education. They were able to farm their own land, process their own meat, build their own houses, and read books in elementary grades that would stomp most college students today (Moby Dick was considered an elementary school text). While not everyone was gifted, there wasn't even a need to identify gifted. Everyone got what they needed. It wasn't unusual to start college at 13. Not everyone did it (Grandpa Moss didn't go to college), but there was no need for special permission to enroll. I am by no means trying to romanticize the past - life was hard, often times unfair, and hardship and pain were mainstays. It just makes me sad that as we worked to correct the past, to improve upon our yesterday - we managed to throw the baby out with the bath water. I truly hope we can find our way back - we need more Grandpa Moss'.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Why diagnose giftedness?
One question I get a lot from other parents is why it is important to identify a child as gifted. This is a very valid question, what makes being labeled "gifted" so necessary? For many people, being labeled "gifted" is the equivalent if being labeled "pretty" - while its neat and cool - it really doesn't affect your life and serves only to make the "non-gifted" feel bad.
Giftedness is more than just being "smarter" than your classmates, in fact - the most gifted children would probably not even be recognized as "smart" in a traditional classroom. This is one of the most important reasons for identifying giftedness - misdiagnosis. Out of its proper context, a gifted child can present very closely to a child with ADD/ADHD and even Autism Spectrum. The book "The Mislabeled child" by Brock and Fernette Eide covers this very well. The intensive focus, extreme sensitivity, and even turning into themselves and not interacting with peers can get a gifted child diagnosed with ADD or placed on the Spectrum. Their emotional responses can be so intense its scary and their focus on a subject or topic and keep them engrossed for hours, even at a very early age. In our society, "weird" behavior (what really turns out to be non-age appropriate behavior) is seen as a problem to be "solved", not as a possible ability to be explored. Knowing if your child is indeed gifted will help you to put any future diagnosis (or mis-diagnosis) in perspective.
Another very important reason for identifying if your child is gifted is that the more gifted a child, the more they are likely to be able to mask a true learning disability. Without our great relationship with our children's psychologist (who specializes in working with gifted children), we never would have gotten a clear diagnosis for our eldest with dyslexia (and subsequently vision issues and auditory processing). He looked "fine" based on the standards of age normed children. When we approached his K teacher and the entire board at his private school about our concerns with his reading, they looked at us like we had three heads (one big reason we are homeschooling now). How could this child have a reading disability, he was the best reader in the class! This isn't uncommon for gifted children and possibly the norm for profoundly gifted children - they are so good on so many levels they can compensate for their disabilities - for a time anyway. It isn't until their compensation becomes inadequate that they are identified - oven times when it is much harder to remediate their issues. A gifted child with disabilities may very well be in the middle if not the top of traditional class achievement. Without a gifted diagnosis they may never be identified as needing intervention to allow them to work at their own personal best. And, as a side note - if they are identified as having a disability, they still may not qualify for state sponsored remediation (yet, another reason we are homeschooling). And I am by no means stating that homeschooling is the answer for every family with a gifted child, just that our children's giftedness and our state system not set up to handle such children helped lead us to this decision. I just think it necessary to inform parents of gifted children that if they do have a twice exception child - they may be forced to pay out of pocket for the remediation of any disabilities. It may not be fair, but it is the reality you may face.
The final reason it is important to identify if your child is gifted is so that you can find a community in which to network. It is estimated that roughly 10% of the population is gifted, around 3 - 5% of those highly gifted, and less than 2% of those profoundly gifted. Gifted children are not all the same, but many share similar characteristics. Being able to talk with others that have a family like your own is important. Having someone else to discuss the "sock issue" (many gifted children have sensibilities to clothing - they cannot stand tags on clothing or the seams around socks) can be liberating. Being able to discuss the conversations your child is having with you that would normally get you angry stares or looks of disbelieve is important. Having someone who understands you aren't "pushing" your child toward academics - you are simply holding on for dear life as they blast full speed head is liberating. And yes, having a place to vent and brag is important as well. Your gifted child is special, your gifted family unique (because gifted children aren't randomly born - there is giftedness inside of you as well) - it is important to find your "tribe", your community in which you feel safe and free to be you. I hope this blog becomes such a place, but even if you don't connect here - please connect somewhere. There are lots of online sites, listservs, and blogs. There are also real life communities (mostly in large metropolitan) areas where you can connect with other gifted families. I would also recommend at least one visit to a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children. You may need a professional to help you advocate for your child in their school setting, or help you get a more proper diagnosis for your child when a label doesn't seem to fit quite right, or just someone to let you know you aren't crazy - your five year old really is ready for physics.
Giftedness is more than just being "smarter" than your classmates, in fact - the most gifted children would probably not even be recognized as "smart" in a traditional classroom. This is one of the most important reasons for identifying giftedness - misdiagnosis. Out of its proper context, a gifted child can present very closely to a child with ADD/ADHD and even Autism Spectrum. The book "The Mislabeled child" by Brock and Fernette Eide covers this very well. The intensive focus, extreme sensitivity, and even turning into themselves and not interacting with peers can get a gifted child diagnosed with ADD or placed on the Spectrum. Their emotional responses can be so intense its scary and their focus on a subject or topic and keep them engrossed for hours, even at a very early age. In our society, "weird" behavior (what really turns out to be non-age appropriate behavior) is seen as a problem to be "solved", not as a possible ability to be explored. Knowing if your child is indeed gifted will help you to put any future diagnosis (or mis-diagnosis) in perspective.
Another very important reason for identifying if your child is gifted is that the more gifted a child, the more they are likely to be able to mask a true learning disability. Without our great relationship with our children's psychologist (who specializes in working with gifted children), we never would have gotten a clear diagnosis for our eldest with dyslexia (and subsequently vision issues and auditory processing). He looked "fine" based on the standards of age normed children. When we approached his K teacher and the entire board at his private school about our concerns with his reading, they looked at us like we had three heads (one big reason we are homeschooling now). How could this child have a reading disability, he was the best reader in the class! This isn't uncommon for gifted children and possibly the norm for profoundly gifted children - they are so good on so many levels they can compensate for their disabilities - for a time anyway. It isn't until their compensation becomes inadequate that they are identified - oven times when it is much harder to remediate their issues. A gifted child with disabilities may very well be in the middle if not the top of traditional class achievement. Without a gifted diagnosis they may never be identified as needing intervention to allow them to work at their own personal best. And, as a side note - if they are identified as having a disability, they still may not qualify for state sponsored remediation (yet, another reason we are homeschooling). And I am by no means stating that homeschooling is the answer for every family with a gifted child, just that our children's giftedness and our state system not set up to handle such children helped lead us to this decision. I just think it necessary to inform parents of gifted children that if they do have a twice exception child - they may be forced to pay out of pocket for the remediation of any disabilities. It may not be fair, but it is the reality you may face.
The final reason it is important to identify if your child is gifted is so that you can find a community in which to network. It is estimated that roughly 10% of the population is gifted, around 3 - 5% of those highly gifted, and less than 2% of those profoundly gifted. Gifted children are not all the same, but many share similar characteristics. Being able to talk with others that have a family like your own is important. Having someone else to discuss the "sock issue" (many gifted children have sensibilities to clothing - they cannot stand tags on clothing or the seams around socks) can be liberating. Being able to discuss the conversations your child is having with you that would normally get you angry stares or looks of disbelieve is important. Having someone who understands you aren't "pushing" your child toward academics - you are simply holding on for dear life as they blast full speed head is liberating. And yes, having a place to vent and brag is important as well. Your gifted child is special, your gifted family unique (because gifted children aren't randomly born - there is giftedness inside of you as well) - it is important to find your "tribe", your community in which you feel safe and free to be you. I hope this blog becomes such a place, but even if you don't connect here - please connect somewhere. There are lots of online sites, listservs, and blogs. There are also real life communities (mostly in large metropolitan) areas where you can connect with other gifted families. I would also recommend at least one visit to a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children. You may need a professional to help you advocate for your child in their school setting, or help you get a more proper diagnosis for your child when a label doesn't seem to fit quite right, or just someone to let you know you aren't crazy - your five year old really is ready for physics.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
To one's full potential
One of the hardest concepts for a parent of a gifted child to contend with is "full potential". People love to talk about allowing children to work to "their full potential" until they encounter a gifted child - especially a profoundly gifted child. We found this out with my eldest. He had been grade skipped into Kindergarten, was reading a a First grade level, but something just wasn't "right". So, we took him to a psychologist who specializes in working with gifted children (and who is amazing by the way!!) and our suspicion was confirm - he was dyslexic. As we searched deeper into his issue with reading we also found he had severe vision issues.
Now, fixing the "reading problems" of a child reading two grade levels above where he should be age wise becomes a challenge. Not to us, but to the traditional world of education, which we found we just couldn't bear to navigate. "Problem, what problem? He is the best reader in the class!" Okay. That might be true, but that wasn't his full potential and that wasn't okay with us and it shouldn't be okay with anyone.
I found people are very comfortable encouraging a child to work to their potential when you are talking about a child below the norm. Of course we want every child to be all they can be! Really? I had hoped this would be the case. Unfortunately, I began to feel the push to isolate and conceal. Conceal the fact that our three year old twins would be doing First grade math in the fall. When a gifted child begins to work to their full potential, it can become very uncomfortable for those around the child. It seems unnatural - does this little kid really like math that much? Yes.
I believe one of the hardest things people must fight against is comparison. My children working at advanced levels in academic subjects in no slight against any other child on the planet. My husband and I don't think our children better than any other children, we don't look down on anyone and don't consider other children "behind". Honestly, we are so busy trying to hang on for dear life as our children learn and grow we don't have time to think, let alone think ourselves "lucky" or "above". How can I think of myself as above, I need to wear a life preserver to keep for sinking under the weight of the challenge and responsibility of educating these three children that refuse to fit into a box called "age appropriate".
That is really what this blog is about. Wanting to finally give a voice to all those parents like us, hanging on for the ride. To show the people there is no formula for a gifted child, if they learn to read at 3 or 5 or 7, it really isn't the work of brilliant parents - these kids are just made in a unique way. Having at least one "twice exceptional" child (a gifted child with a learning disability) is an even bigger challenge. Have you ever seen someone park in a handicapped parking space - only to get out of the car looking perfectly healthy? This is the plight of the twice exceptional child - no one can "see" the disability - so they believe you are a fake and a phony trying to get some unfair advantage. So, here we are - dealing with the jeers and the sneers as we struggle with challenges people can't see with the naked eye. Its okay though - my child is worth the the struggle of giving him the opportunity to work to his "full potential". I'll admit, its amazing to watch.
Now, fixing the "reading problems" of a child reading two grade levels above where he should be age wise becomes a challenge. Not to us, but to the traditional world of education, which we found we just couldn't bear to navigate. "Problem, what problem? He is the best reader in the class!" Okay. That might be true, but that wasn't his full potential and that wasn't okay with us and it shouldn't be okay with anyone.
I found people are very comfortable encouraging a child to work to their potential when you are talking about a child below the norm. Of course we want every child to be all they can be! Really? I had hoped this would be the case. Unfortunately, I began to feel the push to isolate and conceal. Conceal the fact that our three year old twins would be doing First grade math in the fall. When a gifted child begins to work to their full potential, it can become very uncomfortable for those around the child. It seems unnatural - does this little kid really like math that much? Yes.
I believe one of the hardest things people must fight against is comparison. My children working at advanced levels in academic subjects in no slight against any other child on the planet. My husband and I don't think our children better than any other children, we don't look down on anyone and don't consider other children "behind". Honestly, we are so busy trying to hang on for dear life as our children learn and grow we don't have time to think, let alone think ourselves "lucky" or "above". How can I think of myself as above, I need to wear a life preserver to keep for sinking under the weight of the challenge and responsibility of educating these three children that refuse to fit into a box called "age appropriate".
That is really what this blog is about. Wanting to finally give a voice to all those parents like us, hanging on for the ride. To show the people there is no formula for a gifted child, if they learn to read at 3 or 5 or 7, it really isn't the work of brilliant parents - these kids are just made in a unique way. Having at least one "twice exceptional" child (a gifted child with a learning disability) is an even bigger challenge. Have you ever seen someone park in a handicapped parking space - only to get out of the car looking perfectly healthy? This is the plight of the twice exceptional child - no one can "see" the disability - so they believe you are a fake and a phony trying to get some unfair advantage. So, here we are - dealing with the jeers and the sneers as we struggle with challenges people can't see with the naked eye. Its okay though - my child is worth the the struggle of giving him the opportunity to work to his "full potential". I'll admit, its amazing to watch.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Young, Black, Gifted, and Homeschooled?
I believe there is within every human a desire to belong. Unique is wonderful, within reason, but we all long to find our tribe. One of the reasons I was so happy to have three children was I felt they had a better chance of having their "built in" tribe at hand. Thankfully, it worked out that way. If each were an only child, I am not sure how easy it would be to find their piece of "home".
First let me say, we are not isolationist. We are very happy and very comfortable with our large diversity of friends. Our friendly gatherings generally have every color, culture, and custom represented in our neck of the woods - it brings a smile to my face and a dance to my heart! However, I also realize family reunions have a much different fell than neighborhood cook-outs and picnics among friends. There is a familiarity there that is unspoken, an acceptance of faults as well as gifts. There is an amazing freedom in being able to be your complete, imperfect self.
Blacks (or African Americans depending on your liking) represent just under 13% of the United States population. Gifted people represent less than 10% of the population, with profoundly gifted people representing less than 2% of the population. Home schooled children represent less than 2% of the school age population in the United States. With those numbers, my children have very few people in this country, let alone this world - that live a life similar to their own. Now, we know other Blacks, we know other gifted children, we know other Black gifted children, we know other profoundly gifted children. However, I am not sure we have had an opportunity to for my children to step into a room and find another family of children "like them". There is always something different about them, something not in common, some gap of experience. Kind of like walking into a classroom and being the only Jewish kid that celebrates the Sabbath in a school full of Protestants and Catholics. You realize that no matter how much you have in common, most birthday parties will be on a Saturday and you won't be able to participate. It takes nothing away from your classmates and friends, you just always have that tug of being, at least on this point, a bit alone.
One of the reasons I started this blog was so often coming up with a void when looking at things on the internet from other Black, Gifted, and Homeschooling families (wait, did I forget to mention Twice Exceptional children as well - add that one too). Its not so much that we only associate with others "like us" or we want to only associate with others "like us", its just sometimes wanting to have that conversation with someone who "gets it".
It really does get hard sometimes when you are at an event and no one looks like you, then you go to another event where everyone looks like you, but no one educate their child like you do, then you go to another event where some people look like you, they even home school like you, but they don't have a first grader that took a course on the "Anatomy of the Human Brain" like yours did, 2 years ago - when they were four.
Race generally isn't an issue for me, but I had the recent experience of looking at an article online about a researcher who "proved" Black women were categorically unattractive. As I looked through the comments I saw Blacks referred to as ugly monkeys, big fat welfare queens, and other things I would rather not mention. It wouldn't have been so bad if those comments didn't have 300 likes and only 4 dislikes! However, even my White friends couldn't help me from feeling a bit alone and overwhelmed. I don't just have to prepare my kids to for academic life, work life, religious life, I have to prepare them for a world where my daughter may see someone posts about Black women looking like monkeys and 300 fellow humans "liking" the comment. Those are the times when it feels overwhelming. If they were just young, I could ignore such nonsense. If they were just Black we could probably go to school and sit with friends. If they were just gifted I could post to other parents of gifted kids and ask what resources they pulled out for their inquisitive, yet sensitive little ones. If they were just home schooled I could shield them from even knowing about such people. But we don't get to ignore it - they are intelligent enough to pick up on the subtle things that separate them from the rest of their fellow Americans. And while they are proud to be Black, they understand we live in a diverse country with many wonderful races and faces and they must learn to live with and love them all. And I can't just pick up a book or show them a video and help them understand the intellectual faults and limitations of racism and prejudice, for they will be living in a world filled with good as well as bad people. And I can't just shield them, because at some point they will live this nest, and being profoundly gifted they may leave for college or other intellectual pursuits much sooner than their age mates. At those times, my heart is heavy. At those time, I tremble a bit with fear. At those times, I want a tribe. I want someone who not only understands intellectually, but feels my hurt, my pain. I need someone who also read those comments and cried. Cried not just for herself, who looked in the mirror at her natural twists and mocha complexion and wondered just what the world saw. Cried not just from the anger of it being 2011 and there still being this type of hate in the world. Cried not just because it hurt that even though she has a PhD she is assumed to be an uneducated "welfare queen" by some in this world. But cried for her beautiful daughter; cried for her beautiful young, black, gifted, and homeschooled little baby girl. I cried because her brothers have each other, but sometimes a woman needs a girlfriend to talk things over with. As I held my baby girl in my arms as she fell asleep that night, I cried at the weight of my task. I know the numbers, I know how hard it is going to be for her to find another person "like her". She is a social butterfly, she will have plenty of friends her entire life. However; I cried, because I realized that I must prepare her that somethings she will be facing in this world completely alone.
First let me say, we are not isolationist. We are very happy and very comfortable with our large diversity of friends. Our friendly gatherings generally have every color, culture, and custom represented in our neck of the woods - it brings a smile to my face and a dance to my heart! However, I also realize family reunions have a much different fell than neighborhood cook-outs and picnics among friends. There is a familiarity there that is unspoken, an acceptance of faults as well as gifts. There is an amazing freedom in being able to be your complete, imperfect self.
Blacks (or African Americans depending on your liking) represent just under 13% of the United States population. Gifted people represent less than 10% of the population, with profoundly gifted people representing less than 2% of the population. Home schooled children represent less than 2% of the school age population in the United States. With those numbers, my children have very few people in this country, let alone this world - that live a life similar to their own. Now, we know other Blacks, we know other gifted children, we know other Black gifted children, we know other profoundly gifted children. However, I am not sure we have had an opportunity to for my children to step into a room and find another family of children "like them". There is always something different about them, something not in common, some gap of experience. Kind of like walking into a classroom and being the only Jewish kid that celebrates the Sabbath in a school full of Protestants and Catholics. You realize that no matter how much you have in common, most birthday parties will be on a Saturday and you won't be able to participate. It takes nothing away from your classmates and friends, you just always have that tug of being, at least on this point, a bit alone.
One of the reasons I started this blog was so often coming up with a void when looking at things on the internet from other Black, Gifted, and Homeschooling families (wait, did I forget to mention Twice Exceptional children as well - add that one too). Its not so much that we only associate with others "like us" or we want to only associate with others "like us", its just sometimes wanting to have that conversation with someone who "gets it".
It really does get hard sometimes when you are at an event and no one looks like you, then you go to another event where everyone looks like you, but no one educate their child like you do, then you go to another event where some people look like you, they even home school like you, but they don't have a first grader that took a course on the "Anatomy of the Human Brain" like yours did, 2 years ago - when they were four.
Race generally isn't an issue for me, but I had the recent experience of looking at an article online about a researcher who "proved" Black women were categorically unattractive. As I looked through the comments I saw Blacks referred to as ugly monkeys, big fat welfare queens, and other things I would rather not mention. It wouldn't have been so bad if those comments didn't have 300 likes and only 4 dislikes! However, even my White friends couldn't help me from feeling a bit alone and overwhelmed. I don't just have to prepare my kids to for academic life, work life, religious life, I have to prepare them for a world where my daughter may see someone posts about Black women looking like monkeys and 300 fellow humans "liking" the comment. Those are the times when it feels overwhelming. If they were just young, I could ignore such nonsense. If they were just Black we could probably go to school and sit with friends. If they were just gifted I could post to other parents of gifted kids and ask what resources they pulled out for their inquisitive, yet sensitive little ones. If they were just home schooled I could shield them from even knowing about such people. But we don't get to ignore it - they are intelligent enough to pick up on the subtle things that separate them from the rest of their fellow Americans. And while they are proud to be Black, they understand we live in a diverse country with many wonderful races and faces and they must learn to live with and love them all. And I can't just pick up a book or show them a video and help them understand the intellectual faults and limitations of racism and prejudice, for they will be living in a world filled with good as well as bad people. And I can't just shield them, because at some point they will live this nest, and being profoundly gifted they may leave for college or other intellectual pursuits much sooner than their age mates. At those times, my heart is heavy. At those time, I tremble a bit with fear. At those times, I want a tribe. I want someone who not only understands intellectually, but feels my hurt, my pain. I need someone who also read those comments and cried. Cried not just for herself, who looked in the mirror at her natural twists and mocha complexion and wondered just what the world saw. Cried not just from the anger of it being 2011 and there still being this type of hate in the world. Cried not just because it hurt that even though she has a PhD she is assumed to be an uneducated "welfare queen" by some in this world. But cried for her beautiful daughter; cried for her beautiful young, black, gifted, and homeschooled little baby girl. I cried because her brothers have each other, but sometimes a woman needs a girlfriend to talk things over with. As I held my baby girl in my arms as she fell asleep that night, I cried at the weight of my task. I know the numbers, I know how hard it is going to be for her to find another person "like her". She is a social butterfly, she will have plenty of friends her entire life. However; I cried, because I realized that I must prepare her that somethings she will be facing in this world completely alone.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Gifted Dyslexic
Being gifted and dyslexic myself, and having at least one gifted and dyslexic child (my other 2 are a little too young to make a good determination for dyslexia, but they are definitely gifted) I can't say I am an expert - but I am definitely well versed on this topic.
These are probably two of the most over quoted and misunderstood dualities a person can have. For one thing, being dyslexic can mask giftedness; however, giftedness can often mask dyslexia. Talk about being a "man without a country"! Thankfully with my eldest (5) we were able to have both diagnosis confirmed early in his life. When it comes to giftedness, my eldest is pretty close to the top of that category - being well in the upper 99th percentile of intelligence for his age. This makes him not only "bright", but he also has many of the other and lesser known characteristics of giftedness - emotional intensity, good and advanced sense of humor, excellent memory, perfectionism, heightened sensitivity, vivid imagination, etc. We knew he was gifted at a very young age, and the entire package of giftedness can be quite a challenge. There are all these giant emotions, abilities, interests, ideas floating around in this tiny package. The mind working so much faster than what the body can handle. Singing the alphabet song before the age of one might be cute to passerby's on the street - but being gifted isn't just cute intellectual feats. Being gifted also means being different. Around 10% of people would be considered "gifted", around 3% "highly gifted", and less than 1% "profoundly gifted". All three of my children fall between highly and profoundly gifted. This can be a lonely place, when no other child you meet is quite like you.
Then we add on this dyslexia. Dyslexia is often referred to as a "reading disorder", but that isn't really the entire extent of it. This is especially true for a gifted dyslexic. My eldest actually reads above grade level. However, he struggles with phonetic awareness, being able to see the words clearly, and even being able to mentally retrieve the words he is reading - even though he knows them. Reading for a gifted dyslexic is kind of like being conscience that you have amnesia - you know you can't remember or retrieve something that you know you know! It is frustrating and lonely. This is a child that can build a working robot from scrap parts at five years old, yet he will look at the word "and" in a book as if is written in Mandarin. What makes dyslexia even more confusing with gifted children is they are great a picking up context - so the longer a passage or even a book the more they understand. So, while reading Bob Books might be slow going, having a math book read to him can be quite enjoyable and enlightening. And again, even with his struggles he reads above grade level.
My eldest also has vision issues that many don't understand. So, his eyesight is 20/20 without glasses, but the way his eyes work with his brain causes problems - specifically with tracking and teaming. Basically, his eyes don't always work together to focus on an image and will fight to show him their own isolated image. Imagine trying to read with the words dancing around on the page and the pictures jumping from eye to eye. Yet, though it all, he still shines.
He is just now at an age where we can work on these issues. His homeschool First grade curriculum is quite unique - basic phonics to improve his phonological awareness along with physics. Yes, being a gifted dyslexic is a unique place in the world. My goal is to make it not so lonely for him, help him find his tribe, and help him to realize that unique isn't a curse - but a blessing. We will correct those downsides to dyslexia and vision issues with 12 months of intensive vision therapy. However, there are some upsides of dyslexia we don't want to harm - like the creativity, the ability to see what others do not, the ability to find your own way in problem solving since what you are seeing is uniquely yours and yours alone. I now see why the call gifted children with learning disabilities - twice exceptional. They really are often doubly gifted. Its their unique way of overcoming challenges that make children like my eldest so amazing to watch.
These are probably two of the most over quoted and misunderstood dualities a person can have. For one thing, being dyslexic can mask giftedness; however, giftedness can often mask dyslexia. Talk about being a "man without a country"! Thankfully with my eldest (5) we were able to have both diagnosis confirmed early in his life. When it comes to giftedness, my eldest is pretty close to the top of that category - being well in the upper 99th percentile of intelligence for his age. This makes him not only "bright", but he also has many of the other and lesser known characteristics of giftedness - emotional intensity, good and advanced sense of humor, excellent memory, perfectionism, heightened sensitivity, vivid imagination, etc. We knew he was gifted at a very young age, and the entire package of giftedness can be quite a challenge. There are all these giant emotions, abilities, interests, ideas floating around in this tiny package. The mind working so much faster than what the body can handle. Singing the alphabet song before the age of one might be cute to passerby's on the street - but being gifted isn't just cute intellectual feats. Being gifted also means being different. Around 10% of people would be considered "gifted", around 3% "highly gifted", and less than 1% "profoundly gifted". All three of my children fall between highly and profoundly gifted. This can be a lonely place, when no other child you meet is quite like you.
Then we add on this dyslexia. Dyslexia is often referred to as a "reading disorder", but that isn't really the entire extent of it. This is especially true for a gifted dyslexic. My eldest actually reads above grade level. However, he struggles with phonetic awareness, being able to see the words clearly, and even being able to mentally retrieve the words he is reading - even though he knows them. Reading for a gifted dyslexic is kind of like being conscience that you have amnesia - you know you can't remember or retrieve something that you know you know! It is frustrating and lonely. This is a child that can build a working robot from scrap parts at five years old, yet he will look at the word "and" in a book as if is written in Mandarin. What makes dyslexia even more confusing with gifted children is they are great a picking up context - so the longer a passage or even a book the more they understand. So, while reading Bob Books might be slow going, having a math book read to him can be quite enjoyable and enlightening. And again, even with his struggles he reads above grade level.
My eldest also has vision issues that many don't understand. So, his eyesight is 20/20 without glasses, but the way his eyes work with his brain causes problems - specifically with tracking and teaming. Basically, his eyes don't always work together to focus on an image and will fight to show him their own isolated image. Imagine trying to read with the words dancing around on the page and the pictures jumping from eye to eye. Yet, though it all, he still shines.
He is just now at an age where we can work on these issues. His homeschool First grade curriculum is quite unique - basic phonics to improve his phonological awareness along with physics. Yes, being a gifted dyslexic is a unique place in the world. My goal is to make it not so lonely for him, help him find his tribe, and help him to realize that unique isn't a curse - but a blessing. We will correct those downsides to dyslexia and vision issues with 12 months of intensive vision therapy. However, there are some upsides of dyslexia we don't want to harm - like the creativity, the ability to see what others do not, the ability to find your own way in problem solving since what you are seeing is uniquely yours and yours alone. I now see why the call gifted children with learning disabilities - twice exceptional. They really are often doubly gifted. Its their unique way of overcoming challenges that make children like my eldest so amazing to watch.
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