One thing we do a little differently in our homeschool is to mix and match curriculum. I mix and match in two very key areas - reading and math. Normally, these are the two areas families decide to choose one curriculum and stick to it.
There are a couple of reasons why I like to pull sources from various curriculum. The first is that it allows the children to have some repetition, that doesn't really "look" like repetition. While most gifted children learn material in as little as two repetitions - I personally like to see my children show a skill more than that. However, my children can easily detect a pattern (and most curriculum goes into a pattern) and they don't even need to look at the page to tell me the right answer. This is particularly important in math.
For reading, since my eldest is dyslexic he needs a lot of opportunity to read aloud. However, reading from just one type of reading program can lead to boredom - for him and for me! Being able to spice up reading selections, but still stay within his current reading abilities is wonderful. It also keeps him from detecting the patterns of books too quickly.
I also want my children to not get too dependent on any one style of information. For instance, most math programs will stick to one font. This might not seem important on the surface - but numbers written in different fonts can look quite unique. Also - some books will give math programs horizontally while others will give them vertical. Some books use word problems, some use visuals, some use numerals only. I want my kids to get practice solving problems in a large variety of ways. We can't easily detect the future, so preparing broadly is a big factor in our home school.
With that said, we do tend to have a "spine" for our major subjects. This is a primary curriculum that I use to determine the sequence in which we will introduce new information. However, I use as many as five different reading curriculum programs and five different math curriculum programs. It takes a bit more effort in staying organized - but it really allows us to have variety and challenge from a number of different levels.
For reading, "Understanding the Logic of English" is our spine. We also utilize Reading Horizons (both the teacher led and the computer based program), Bob Books, StarFall (both the computer based program and the books). We use some Scholastic sources as well as four different handwriting workbook programs. I also throw in some Montessori materials and other hands on sources to give us even more variety.
For math, "Singapore Math" is our spine. We also utilize "Life of Fred Elementary Series", Kumon Math workbooks, Montessori Materials, occasional activities from Family Math, and lots of different hands on learning materials.
I will admit, this approach isn't for everyone. Some people like order and some children need a much more narrow focus - especially if they struggle with ADD/ADHD or some learning disabilities. If you are a family that likes order and wants to know exactly how long a program will take and when you will move on - this may not be something you want to tackle. Finally, if you are required to turn in lesson plans - writing one for this type of study is horrible I will admit.
However, if your family likes variety, don't be afraid to mix and match core materials. Also, if your child attends a traditional school - definitely give them extra practice in materials that are presented vastly different from their school curriculum. Often times, parents make the mistake of wanting to present home learning materials consistent with the school materials. While this sounds good in theory, it boxes children in. If the school district changes materials, or if you move to a new school using a completely different program - children that have been taught just one way can struggle - even if they know the material.
So, if variety really is the "spice of life" - make sure to put some into your learning as well!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Pulse Check for our Home School Journey
We are three months into our home school year and I thought it would be a great time for a "pulse check". I think its good to ask how are things going thus far, are my expectations being met, and is there anything I would like to change.
The first question I will tackle is how are things going. I can honestly say things are going very well. Some of that is because I was willing to be a bit flexible in our plans. While I am roughly following the plans I had for this year, we are doing them at a different pace. We are still moving ahead in math, science, and reading - but our schedule is much more laid back than I originally anticipated. Its not that we aren't getting things done, it that things get done so much faster than I thought they would. If I dedicated the time to their "school work" I originally thought I would - my four year old twins would be doing third or fourth grade work by now! We literally do a chapter of math every time we sit down and focus on it. Its not that we are rushing, its just when the kids get into a "zone" they are really focused. So, instead of chugging along at breakneck speed - we take things in spurts and follow lots of rabbit trails along the way. I also added additional curriculum. We are following 2 1/2 math curriculum at this point. We are doing Singapore Math, Life of Fred Math, as we utilize Montessori resources. I also throw in some Kumon Workbooks for fun. All of my kids are still working at least one grade level ahead in math (this is in addition to their grade skipped levels). For reading - we are using Understanding the Logic of English, Bob Books, and Starfall. This approach is providing the depth my kids desire along with a good amount of diversity to keep their attention.
When it comes to my expectations being met - I would say we are "sort of" there. I envisioned our school days being a bit more structured than they are. I like our more unstructured approach, but this is still off base from my original intent. Thankfully our weekly newsletter is providing me an opportunity to catalog fairly well the things that we are doing. I think I will also need to add a more structured account of the things we accomplish though - for my own cataloging purposes. However, my expectations are being met in that my children are genuinely happy about their experience and they are learning a lot. They don't ask about "going to school" - which is an honest fear I had. They also don't ask for additional interaction with other children. We often see children on days at the park, my eldest takes home school science classes, and their after school Chinese Club at a local private school provides a pretty good amount of age appropriate interaction. If he really wanted "more" we could arrange it - but right now even he is content with what he gets. I thought we would be spending more time in a co-op type setting, but there just aren't enough hours in the day for that. Right now the kids are fine with that.
As far as what I would change, there are some things I really need to do in more set intervals. One is music practice. We really should be practicing at home much more and probably on a more set schedule. I just haven't found a good "time" in our day to make that happen. I would also like to see us utilize more of our resources for phonological awareness and articulation. The kids are showing good progress in the area, but I would like for this intervention to be close to wrapping up by the end of our school year. I would also like to see more focus on some of our "life skills" than what I have been doing. For instance, my kids need to be more consistent in cleaning their rooms and putting their toys away.
Overall, this journey has been more rewarding than I thought it would be and I look forward to all life has in store for us!
The first question I will tackle is how are things going. I can honestly say things are going very well. Some of that is because I was willing to be a bit flexible in our plans. While I am roughly following the plans I had for this year, we are doing them at a different pace. We are still moving ahead in math, science, and reading - but our schedule is much more laid back than I originally anticipated. Its not that we aren't getting things done, it that things get done so much faster than I thought they would. If I dedicated the time to their "school work" I originally thought I would - my four year old twins would be doing third or fourth grade work by now! We literally do a chapter of math every time we sit down and focus on it. Its not that we are rushing, its just when the kids get into a "zone" they are really focused. So, instead of chugging along at breakneck speed - we take things in spurts and follow lots of rabbit trails along the way. I also added additional curriculum. We are following 2 1/2 math curriculum at this point. We are doing Singapore Math, Life of Fred Math, as we utilize Montessori resources. I also throw in some Kumon Workbooks for fun. All of my kids are still working at least one grade level ahead in math (this is in addition to their grade skipped levels). For reading - we are using Understanding the Logic of English, Bob Books, and Starfall. This approach is providing the depth my kids desire along with a good amount of diversity to keep their attention.
When it comes to my expectations being met - I would say we are "sort of" there. I envisioned our school days being a bit more structured than they are. I like our more unstructured approach, but this is still off base from my original intent. Thankfully our weekly newsletter is providing me an opportunity to catalog fairly well the things that we are doing. I think I will also need to add a more structured account of the things we accomplish though - for my own cataloging purposes. However, my expectations are being met in that my children are genuinely happy about their experience and they are learning a lot. They don't ask about "going to school" - which is an honest fear I had. They also don't ask for additional interaction with other children. We often see children on days at the park, my eldest takes home school science classes, and their after school Chinese Club at a local private school provides a pretty good amount of age appropriate interaction. If he really wanted "more" we could arrange it - but right now even he is content with what he gets. I thought we would be spending more time in a co-op type setting, but there just aren't enough hours in the day for that. Right now the kids are fine with that.
As far as what I would change, there are some things I really need to do in more set intervals. One is music practice. We really should be practicing at home much more and probably on a more set schedule. I just haven't found a good "time" in our day to make that happen. I would also like to see us utilize more of our resources for phonological awareness and articulation. The kids are showing good progress in the area, but I would like for this intervention to be close to wrapping up by the end of our school year. I would also like to see more focus on some of our "life skills" than what I have been doing. For instance, my kids need to be more consistent in cleaning their rooms and putting their toys away.
Overall, this journey has been more rewarding than I thought it would be and I look forward to all life has in store for us!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Kids in the Kitchen!
Yes, gifted kids need to eat too! Okay, this isn't really limited to a post about homeschooling gifted kids - this is about a great opportunity to expand the experiences of children allowing them to learn more than just "book knowledge". Cooking with children teaches so many amazingly important skills!
One thing cooking does is allow children to come face-to-face and deal with perfectionism. This is a common and constant threat to gifted children - feeling they must be perfect. The great thing about cooking is that even though what you do may not be perfect - it can still be good! That cake may have fallen flat - but it still taste wonderful! You may have used the wrong spice - but that mistake helped you discover and new and still amazing recipe. You may have forgotten to add the creamed soup at the "perfect moment", but it still got incorporated just perfectly and all was not lost. Even when you face an absolute disaster - while disappointing it can still be fun. And even when its done wrong - you still get to learn something. Also with cooking, doing it well takes practice. Very few people are perfect right out of the gate. Children can learn resilience as well as realize you don't have to be perfect at something from the start (a far cry from the 100's they often get on their school work).
Cooking fosters creativity. Just think of how many things can be added to pancake batter to make a new experience with every bite! We have added chocolate chips, mint chips, blue berries - so many wonderful things. I love putting out frosting and allowing my children to decorate cake waffles (cake batter cooked on a waffle maker) in any way their heart desires. Choosing the toppings for a pizza, deciding what veggies go on a platter - the possibilities are limited only be the imagination.
Cooking allows for individuality. My children now fully understand that everyone has different tastes. The understand one brother loves chocolate while the other isn't a big fan (although he did learn he likes Hersey kisses). My daughter loves to talk about how sometimes she likes chocolate and sometimes she doesn't. They know its okay for one to like white rice while the other rice pilaf. They love being able to chose maple syrup or peanut butter as a topping. I often times will set out a platter of 5 - 7 choices and allow them to build their own sandwich or salad.
Cooking allows them to try something new or go out on a limb in a safe environment. I love how we can explore ancient cultures and customs through food. My children can learn there is "good" and "bad" in all cultures in a safe way. I like the bread, but not the fruit. Its much nicer to show the diversity within people in this environment before we get to the bloody wars and battles! It also helps them to embrace newer cultures they are learning about. My children are learning Mandarin and they enjoy eating Chinese food and even had a wonderful Dim Sum meal following a class. We are now ready to try and make some of that on our own. We can see that it is okay to embrace some things from other cultures while not incorporating the totality of beliefs outside your own.
Cooking can provide gentle exposure for the senses. Many gifted children have overexcitabilities, and mine are no exception. They can be sensitive to textures, tastes, and smells. Cooking at home allows them to gently see what they can handle and what they can't. It also allows us to gently push the envelope to develop greater capacity.
Cooking has no age requirements. Many gifted children are ready for large challenges, but are often blocked through age requirements. With proper supervision, children can challenge themselves to their hearts content. Despite their age, no one can deny what they eventually produce. It breaks down the barrier. Cooking also allows for them to branch off into other areas. For instance, they may cook a meal- then present the historical significance of that meal. They may build a structure using food. They may produce an art project with food. They may do science project by using food. They may produce a recipe, then write a story surrounding that food.
Cooking links them to their family and culture. Being gifted often means being different. Cooking a family meal or a culturally significant dish links them to others in their "tribe". Something that isn't bound by intellect or what makes them different. Being unique is great, but sometimes we want to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. Children that might fret about death or the future can see that some things last a long time - even beyond the brief time of particular individuals on earth. They can see for themselves they are connected to others, even while being unique themselves.
Finally, cooking allows for togetherness. I tend to be a distracted person and I love multitasking. Cooking with my kids requires me to give them my undivided attention at that time. They get all of me (or else the house might burn down!) and they enjoy that. There is no excuse for my lack of focus at times and I am working on that. In the meantime - kids to the kitchen!!
One thing cooking does is allow children to come face-to-face and deal with perfectionism. This is a common and constant threat to gifted children - feeling they must be perfect. The great thing about cooking is that even though what you do may not be perfect - it can still be good! That cake may have fallen flat - but it still taste wonderful! You may have used the wrong spice - but that mistake helped you discover and new and still amazing recipe. You may have forgotten to add the creamed soup at the "perfect moment", but it still got incorporated just perfectly and all was not lost. Even when you face an absolute disaster - while disappointing it can still be fun. And even when its done wrong - you still get to learn something. Also with cooking, doing it well takes practice. Very few people are perfect right out of the gate. Children can learn resilience as well as realize you don't have to be perfect at something from the start (a far cry from the 100's they often get on their school work).
Cooking fosters creativity. Just think of how many things can be added to pancake batter to make a new experience with every bite! We have added chocolate chips, mint chips, blue berries - so many wonderful things. I love putting out frosting and allowing my children to decorate cake waffles (cake batter cooked on a waffle maker) in any way their heart desires. Choosing the toppings for a pizza, deciding what veggies go on a platter - the possibilities are limited only be the imagination.
Cooking allows for individuality. My children now fully understand that everyone has different tastes. The understand one brother loves chocolate while the other isn't a big fan (although he did learn he likes Hersey kisses). My daughter loves to talk about how sometimes she likes chocolate and sometimes she doesn't. They know its okay for one to like white rice while the other rice pilaf. They love being able to chose maple syrup or peanut butter as a topping. I often times will set out a platter of 5 - 7 choices and allow them to build their own sandwich or salad.
Cooking allows them to try something new or go out on a limb in a safe environment. I love how we can explore ancient cultures and customs through food. My children can learn there is "good" and "bad" in all cultures in a safe way. I like the bread, but not the fruit. Its much nicer to show the diversity within people in this environment before we get to the bloody wars and battles! It also helps them to embrace newer cultures they are learning about. My children are learning Mandarin and they enjoy eating Chinese food and even had a wonderful Dim Sum meal following a class. We are now ready to try and make some of that on our own. We can see that it is okay to embrace some things from other cultures while not incorporating the totality of beliefs outside your own.
Cooking can provide gentle exposure for the senses. Many gifted children have overexcitabilities, and mine are no exception. They can be sensitive to textures, tastes, and smells. Cooking at home allows them to gently see what they can handle and what they can't. It also allows us to gently push the envelope to develop greater capacity.
Cooking has no age requirements. Many gifted children are ready for large challenges, but are often blocked through age requirements. With proper supervision, children can challenge themselves to their hearts content. Despite their age, no one can deny what they eventually produce. It breaks down the barrier. Cooking also allows for them to branch off into other areas. For instance, they may cook a meal- then present the historical significance of that meal. They may build a structure using food. They may produce an art project with food. They may do science project by using food. They may produce a recipe, then write a story surrounding that food.
Cooking links them to their family and culture. Being gifted often means being different. Cooking a family meal or a culturally significant dish links them to others in their "tribe". Something that isn't bound by intellect or what makes them different. Being unique is great, but sometimes we want to feel a part of something bigger than ourselves. Children that might fret about death or the future can see that some things last a long time - even beyond the brief time of particular individuals on earth. They can see for themselves they are connected to others, even while being unique themselves.
Finally, cooking allows for togetherness. I tend to be a distracted person and I love multitasking. Cooking with my kids requires me to give them my undivided attention at that time. They get all of me (or else the house might burn down!) and they enjoy that. There is no excuse for my lack of focus at times and I am working on that. In the meantime - kids to the kitchen!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Great Leaps Forward - thinking things through
One of the most interesting experiences in parenting gifted children is the "great leaps forward". Most people are familiar with amazing leaps children do as babies - the first time they roll over, crawl, walk or say "mommy". Children also complete intellectual leaps, and for gifted children those leaps can happen pretty often and be quite amazing.
Our twins just turned four years old, and the leaps they have bounded in the past couple of months have been quite amazing. For my son, his leaps have been in his amazing reasoning ability. When he isn't busy coming up with new games, running around the house, and overall being - well, a four year old - he likes to sit and talk. While the "quiet" one in our bunch (and quiet simply means not talking 23 1/3 hours a day), his soft observations of the world are quite profound. The kids had a hankering for pets, my eldest first thought he wanted a turtle, my daughter a butterfly, and her twin a bird. As we were driving to the pet store (to look only!) my bird lover started to tell me about the experiences he would have with his bird. "I will need to take him to the potty. I will have to hold him up will he poops so that he doesn't fall in". I know, potty talk from an almost four year old isn't "profound". But think about what he said. He was already thinking in details about the ways in which he would need to care for his pet. Now, we have a very active bird feeder in our yard and have identified almost ten different species that frequent the feeder almost daily - so he has seen birds quite a bit and know they don't come inside to use the potty. He realized that a pet bird would need to be taken care of differently than wild bird. He realized cleanliness would be important for a pet and he would need to be responsible for that. He understood his role would be that of protector and although he is small, he would be the one responsible for his pet. He was, in his young mid, thinking through the details of what would be needed to take good care of his pet. He was still a month shy of being four at this experience, still a baby himself in many ways, but he was able to mentally contemplate what would be needed for him to be in the role of caregiver - a sign not just of the ability to role play - but signs of empathy and compassion. This is a leap seen almost five years earlier than we would normally expect to see it. While we didn't leave the pet store with a bird, I left with a better understanding of the inner thoughts of my little thinker, my contemplater, my little guy who takes what to him are big problems and solves them quietly in his head. He will never ask for help while he is thinking and (like his father) will only speak when he feels like he has come up with a good and workable solution he can implement. Also like his father, those solutions often deal with self sacrifice so that others can helped, or happy, or a little more whole. Its funny, when people see my little guy they often say "oh, that one will keep your hands full". On the outside they see a little boy who is a ball of energy and a bit head strong. They will never hear his thoughts for taking care of his pet bird. He never shares his plans, goals, or ideas. He cherishes his thoughts and plans, he some how knows ideas have value and shouldn't be simply tossed around to those who won't appreciate that work that went in to forming them. He seems to have a built in protection system around his inner thoughts and his soul.
I wait in anticipation at what his young mind will bring forth. I often cut through the noise of the world to try to hear him every time quietly calls me name, finally ready to share with me a thought he has been wrestling with. Sometimes its about ways to tornado proof buildings, sometimes new games he has invented, sometimes he shares solutions to problems presented in stories we read, and sometimes its other gentle and loving ways to care for his future pet bird.
My son represents a segment of the gifted population many people never see until they do something great as adults. My son is brilliant, but he only performs "on paper" when he wants to . It will take a very skilled professional to accurately test his IQ - he simply has no mind to entertain questions he thinks are silly, stupid, or have more than one valid answer - so choosing just one answer makes no sense at all. I often tell my husband I think he is the most gifted of the bunch, not because of what he knows or retains, but because of the relationship he has with his own thoughts, his own mind. He is confident in his ability to think, to figure it out, to find a way - eventually. He trusts himself enough to wrestle with an issue, to turn it over in his head, to think about it and come up with a solution. And when he is ready to defend it, he is ready to speak it out.
His brother laughed when he talked of taking his bird to the potty. Unnerved him simply replied - my bird will be able to do it, I will train him, he will want to be clean and not have bird poop in his cage. You don't poop in your room, why should my bird poop in his. You know, I am fully convinced that given the time and the chance, there will be a toilet pooping bird in our home some day!
Our twins just turned four years old, and the leaps they have bounded in the past couple of months have been quite amazing. For my son, his leaps have been in his amazing reasoning ability. When he isn't busy coming up with new games, running around the house, and overall being - well, a four year old - he likes to sit and talk. While the "quiet" one in our bunch (and quiet simply means not talking 23 1/3 hours a day), his soft observations of the world are quite profound. The kids had a hankering for pets, my eldest first thought he wanted a turtle, my daughter a butterfly, and her twin a bird. As we were driving to the pet store (to look only!) my bird lover started to tell me about the experiences he would have with his bird. "I will need to take him to the potty. I will have to hold him up will he poops so that he doesn't fall in". I know, potty talk from an almost four year old isn't "profound". But think about what he said. He was already thinking in details about the ways in which he would need to care for his pet. Now, we have a very active bird feeder in our yard and have identified almost ten different species that frequent the feeder almost daily - so he has seen birds quite a bit and know they don't come inside to use the potty. He realized that a pet bird would need to be taken care of differently than wild bird. He realized cleanliness would be important for a pet and he would need to be responsible for that. He understood his role would be that of protector and although he is small, he would be the one responsible for his pet. He was, in his young mid, thinking through the details of what would be needed to take good care of his pet. He was still a month shy of being four at this experience, still a baby himself in many ways, but he was able to mentally contemplate what would be needed for him to be in the role of caregiver - a sign not just of the ability to role play - but signs of empathy and compassion. This is a leap seen almost five years earlier than we would normally expect to see it. While we didn't leave the pet store with a bird, I left with a better understanding of the inner thoughts of my little thinker, my contemplater, my little guy who takes what to him are big problems and solves them quietly in his head. He will never ask for help while he is thinking and (like his father) will only speak when he feels like he has come up with a good and workable solution he can implement. Also like his father, those solutions often deal with self sacrifice so that others can helped, or happy, or a little more whole. Its funny, when people see my little guy they often say "oh, that one will keep your hands full". On the outside they see a little boy who is a ball of energy and a bit head strong. They will never hear his thoughts for taking care of his pet bird. He never shares his plans, goals, or ideas. He cherishes his thoughts and plans, he some how knows ideas have value and shouldn't be simply tossed around to those who won't appreciate that work that went in to forming them. He seems to have a built in protection system around his inner thoughts and his soul.
I wait in anticipation at what his young mind will bring forth. I often cut through the noise of the world to try to hear him every time quietly calls me name, finally ready to share with me a thought he has been wrestling with. Sometimes its about ways to tornado proof buildings, sometimes new games he has invented, sometimes he shares solutions to problems presented in stories we read, and sometimes its other gentle and loving ways to care for his future pet bird.
My son represents a segment of the gifted population many people never see until they do something great as adults. My son is brilliant, but he only performs "on paper" when he wants to . It will take a very skilled professional to accurately test his IQ - he simply has no mind to entertain questions he thinks are silly, stupid, or have more than one valid answer - so choosing just one answer makes no sense at all. I often tell my husband I think he is the most gifted of the bunch, not because of what he knows or retains, but because of the relationship he has with his own thoughts, his own mind. He is confident in his ability to think, to figure it out, to find a way - eventually. He trusts himself enough to wrestle with an issue, to turn it over in his head, to think about it and come up with a solution. And when he is ready to defend it, he is ready to speak it out.
His brother laughed when he talked of taking his bird to the potty. Unnerved him simply replied - my bird will be able to do it, I will train him, he will want to be clean and not have bird poop in his cage. You don't poop in your room, why should my bird poop in his. You know, I am fully convinced that given the time and the chance, there will be a toilet pooping bird in our home some day!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The Deep, Dark, and Scary World of Gifted Children Part 2
So what is this all about? Why am I writing this. I am writing about this because I was recently reading a blog where a woman's daughter would "guest write" from time to time. Her words were so beautiful, so well thought out, so powerful. Although her mother never mentioned it, you could tell her daughter was quite the gifted child. Not just because she had an amazing vocabulary and an extensive command of the English language, she was also good at so many things (dance, academics, etc.). She also had emotional intensity and was working her way through negative thinking that had plunged her quite often into depression. As I read her amazing words she wrote I often saw my own kids. Although there were quite a bit younger than this fourteen year old - there seemed to be a kindred heart as I read her writing. Then I got quite startled because I remembered why I was reading her blog postings - it had just been posted on a listserv that I belong to that this sensitive, wonderful, amazing young girl had just fallen to her death as she jumped from a 5th story window of an abandoned building. This wasn't her first suicide attempt, but like many gifted children she was unfortunately bright enough to eventually get even that right. Her mother's blogs showed that she had tried hard to help her daughter, but just couldn't lift her from her despair. This was enough to know we needed to continue to work hard with our children. While all three are still very young, they won't be young forever. We must build in them to skills to stop the self hate, to manage the negative talk, to have a realistic expectation of themselves and the world around them.
So, what are we doing? The first and most important step we took when my eldest was three years old. We found a psychologist. Having a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children is key. I encourage anyone within a 5 hour (yes hour) drive of metro Atlanta to check out Spomenka Newman (http://www.psychologist4kids.com/), but there are other such people across the country. If you know a good one that you can recommend, please post it in my comments section! The psychologist isn't just for your children, you need an advocate who you can turn to for advice and support. This is hard, this is so very hard. I know many gifted families that co-sleep with their children. Maybe not the entire night, but whenever their children come into the room at night they make room in the bed. Its because we know that whether they be 3, 5, or 15 - they are coming to our bedroom door because they are feeling scared and alone and dealing with something deep and also a bit scary for themselves. They have come to the one place they can find comfort and support, the only place they can find a bit of rest. We know if we turn them away they have been left to fight that despair, that fear, the pain all alone and they just aren't quite yet ready. I know of families that have two mattresses pushed together on the floor - they, like us, have multiple gifted children and even a king sized bed can get crowded!
The second thing I feel is important is to find peers - you need to know other families with highly gifted children. There are just some things only your true peers can understand. You need other people that realize when your child says "I am the worst person in the world" - they truly believe that at the time. Someone who understands when your son breaks down to cry it isn't because he is a "wimp"; its because he is knowledgeable beyond his years but still very much a child and he is just overwhelmed by what he knows is wrong that he can't seem to fix.
The third thing is to find an appropriate educational environment for your child. It is estimated that half of all profoundly gifted children are homeschooled. This means that half of them are traditionally schooled. Ensure that your child has exposure to teachers that understand gifted children. This will ensure their expectations are not unreasonably set, the teacher will know to look out for perfectionism, and the teacher will be skilled in handling emotional intensity. Ensure the lines of communication are open. For homeschooling families, read the emotional signs of your children and be comfortable letting school work take a back seat every once in while for the sake of mental health.
Explore all possible contributing factors to your child's emotional needs. When we had our eldest tested for dyslexia, we found he also had some vision issues. Upon vision testing we learned he was dealing with Moro Reflex issues - are natural reflex that happens in babies in utero that should be gone by age one. Because his wasn't, his upper and lower body were still working as one unit. This meant his "startle" reflex was still on - big time. This issue often leads to extreme emotional intensity in children. Imagine your "fight or flight" natural reaction activated all day, every day. This was the emotional life of our child. Everything that happened to him would trigger the fight or flight reflex - his poor little body was in a constant state of shock. This physical reaction was taking a toll on his emotions. He felt everything deeply, not just emotionally, but physically as well. Our first task in therapy was working on his Moro Reflex, those loose his body from this physical and emotional prison of the extreme.
A fifth piece of advice: Get educated. Thankfully today there are plenty of resources dealing with the emotional lives of gifted children. Some resources I have enjoyed, or am now reading include the following:
Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels and Michael Piechowski
Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking by Tamar Chanksy
The Out-of Sync Child has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
The Mislabed Child by Brock and Fernette Eide
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter more than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
There are more great resources out there - feel free to list your own in the comments section!
A final note is to understand and acknowledge your own gifted struggles. Gifted children aren't planted here by alien seed - they are the product of their genetic make-up. The biggest struggle I have had is acknowledging my own giftedness; allowing myself to relive those deep and dark places of despair I visited as a child. Trying to be sensitive to my children as my natural mind tells me to simply say "toughen up" or "its not that bad" is almost cruel to hear for a child going through it in the moment. I remember being a gifted child and it did feel that bad, the world did seem the cruel, and life did seem that hard. If you have unresolved issues - get professional help. It isn't too late. And don't just do it for your child, do it for you.
Those with other advice - feel free to post in the comments section. We are a family, all in this together!
So, what are we doing? The first and most important step we took when my eldest was three years old. We found a psychologist. Having a psychologist that specializes in working with gifted children is key. I encourage anyone within a 5 hour (yes hour) drive of metro Atlanta to check out Spomenka Newman (http://www.psychologist4kids.com/), but there are other such people across the country. If you know a good one that you can recommend, please post it in my comments section! The psychologist isn't just for your children, you need an advocate who you can turn to for advice and support. This is hard, this is so very hard. I know many gifted families that co-sleep with their children. Maybe not the entire night, but whenever their children come into the room at night they make room in the bed. Its because we know that whether they be 3, 5, or 15 - they are coming to our bedroom door because they are feeling scared and alone and dealing with something deep and also a bit scary for themselves. They have come to the one place they can find comfort and support, the only place they can find a bit of rest. We know if we turn them away they have been left to fight that despair, that fear, the pain all alone and they just aren't quite yet ready. I know of families that have two mattresses pushed together on the floor - they, like us, have multiple gifted children and even a king sized bed can get crowded!
The second thing I feel is important is to find peers - you need to know other families with highly gifted children. There are just some things only your true peers can understand. You need other people that realize when your child says "I am the worst person in the world" - they truly believe that at the time. Someone who understands when your son breaks down to cry it isn't because he is a "wimp"; its because he is knowledgeable beyond his years but still very much a child and he is just overwhelmed by what he knows is wrong that he can't seem to fix.
The third thing is to find an appropriate educational environment for your child. It is estimated that half of all profoundly gifted children are homeschooled. This means that half of them are traditionally schooled. Ensure that your child has exposure to teachers that understand gifted children. This will ensure their expectations are not unreasonably set, the teacher will know to look out for perfectionism, and the teacher will be skilled in handling emotional intensity. Ensure the lines of communication are open. For homeschooling families, read the emotional signs of your children and be comfortable letting school work take a back seat every once in while for the sake of mental health.
Explore all possible contributing factors to your child's emotional needs. When we had our eldest tested for dyslexia, we found he also had some vision issues. Upon vision testing we learned he was dealing with Moro Reflex issues - are natural reflex that happens in babies in utero that should be gone by age one. Because his wasn't, his upper and lower body were still working as one unit. This meant his "startle" reflex was still on - big time. This issue often leads to extreme emotional intensity in children. Imagine your "fight or flight" natural reaction activated all day, every day. This was the emotional life of our child. Everything that happened to him would trigger the fight or flight reflex - his poor little body was in a constant state of shock. This physical reaction was taking a toll on his emotions. He felt everything deeply, not just emotionally, but physically as well. Our first task in therapy was working on his Moro Reflex, those loose his body from this physical and emotional prison of the extreme.
A fifth piece of advice: Get educated. Thankfully today there are plenty of resources dealing with the emotional lives of gifted children. Some resources I have enjoyed, or am now reading include the following:
Living with Intensity by Susan Daniels and Michael Piechowski
Freeing Your Child from Negative Thinking by Tamar Chanksy
The Out-of Sync Child has Fun: Activities for Kids with Sensory Processing Disorder by Carol Stock Kranowitz
The Mislabed Child by Brock and Fernette Eide
Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter more than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
There are more great resources out there - feel free to list your own in the comments section!
A final note is to understand and acknowledge your own gifted struggles. Gifted children aren't planted here by alien seed - they are the product of their genetic make-up. The biggest struggle I have had is acknowledging my own giftedness; allowing myself to relive those deep and dark places of despair I visited as a child. Trying to be sensitive to my children as my natural mind tells me to simply say "toughen up" or "its not that bad" is almost cruel to hear for a child going through it in the moment. I remember being a gifted child and it did feel that bad, the world did seem the cruel, and life did seem that hard. If you have unresolved issues - get professional help. It isn't too late. And don't just do it for your child, do it for you.
Those with other advice - feel free to post in the comments section. We are a family, all in this together!
The Deep, Dark, and Scary World of Gifted Children Part 1
Oh how I have toiled and prayed about this blog posting. However, it is time.This is the topic that makes parents of gifted children want to spit when we here "but ALL children are gifted". Really? All families deal with this? What is "this"? This is the area of raising a gifted child that sends parents to their first visit with a psychologist. In the profoundly gifted population - the visit happens rather early. For us, it happened when my eldest was just three years old.
I was encouraged to start this blog to help other parents of gifted children and hopefully build an online community of where parents can say "yes, there is someone going through what I am going through". Now is the time to tackle the issue that probably sent you searching in the first place. You see, parents of gifted children don't stay up at night unable to sleep because their child started talking in complete sentences at 15 months old, or because they found them reading Harry Potter at the age of four. Its the "other" side of gifted, the side no one ever really sees or experiences unless they also have a gifted child. Its the first time your child collapses into a heap on the floor and cries for hours because they made a mistake. Its when your child thinks they are "stupid" because they got an answer wrong while independently doing work created for children twice their age - or more. Its when your child looks at you with tears in their eyes and says "I'm bad, I need to be punished" when they make even the most common mistake. And when that child is just three years old its hurts even more. You know that look, you can see it in their eyes; the self loathing and self hate because they are not the perfect person you never even asked them to be.
"This" comes in many different categories, attached to many different labels. Sometimes it is simple perfectionism - wanting themselves to be flawless for every task, no matter how great or challenging. They can see quite clearly how the wiggled just a little when drawing their first letter "A". You try to console them "honey, its great, it was your first try, your only two - many kids don't draw their first letter A until they are five". It doesn't help, the meltdown has started and there is no stopping this flood. They have seen themselves as less than what they thought everyone else expected them to be and they feel they must be punished. While people on the "outside" are in awe at all the things your kids can do; inside you cringe every time you see a mental leap coming on. Every time you hear those words "mommy, I think I would like to learn". Doesn't matter what they are learning - advanced quantitative physics or tying their shoe - you know in your heart this is going to rip them apart, because learning takes time. And even though they do it three to four times faster than most people, that isn't fast enough for them.
Another category is emotional intensity. Oh my word most people can't understand just how high a high can be or just how low a low can be. The first time I saw emotional intensity my eldest was nine months old. He wanted to nurse while he slept, I wanted to sleep. So, while rocking him in a rocking chair I slipped his pacifier into his mouth. He sat up, took his pacifier in his little baby hand - and threw it was such force across the room when it hit the wall my husband ran into the room thinking someone had fallen. We have calmed him significantly from those baby days - with gentle parenting (no hitting, no yelling). However, those victories are only surface, because while he doesn't have violent outbursts - he has turned that rage and frustration on himself. When he does something wrong, no matter how slight - he will send himself to his room. When he fails to be a perfect little boy he will shout at himself with anger "you are so bad, I am so mad at you!" My sweet, gentle, honest, kind, loving little boy looks at himself with disgust because he sometimes forgets to put a toy away. I am left with nothing more to do but hold him and hug him and cry to myself as I try to emotionally pull out all that "stuff" - he is too little, too young, to vulnerable for feelings like this.
Yet another category is negative thinking. Gifted kids are so acutely aware of the world around them that they can find the negative in a rainbow. "But mommy, isn't the color black sad that it never has an opportunity to be a part of the colors of the rainbow". We went through a tornado and had two trees fall on our home - only to flee to my inlaws home just 30 minutes before an F5 swept through their neighborhood. It was such a scary experience - to everyone. But to my kids, this has become their life. One of my three year old twins continued to ask "how did those houses fall down". 1/3 of the homes in the neighborhood were lost and my son was confused because these were big strong brick houses. Being a fan of the "3 Little Pigs" he continued to demand to know how do brick houses get blown down like we - we had told him for years that brick houses were strong. Well, I never knew to make the exception while reading the story "except in the case of a rare F5 tornado". He had nightmares, his behavior changed, he started to frequently wet the bed. His little three year old mind is still, three months later, trying to come to terms with the fact that mommy and daddy kept this possibility from him. Now every wind brings him close to tears - could this be another tornado? Could our brick house fall down? What else did mommy and daddy keep from me - is there an F6 tornado? How do we know there isn't an F6? Why did God allow an F5 tornado? What happened to the people that were in that house the completely collapsed? What happens if we are outside and a tornado comes? What is daddy is a work during a tornado - can he get home? What happens when you "get dead"? My little three year old son should be thinking about fun things, having a good time, being a kid. Instead, he is wondering the tornado rating of every building he enters - who built it, how strong, how do we know it is strong enough, what if it isn't strong enough?
Do you see your kids in any of these stories? Do any of these experiences speak to you? If so, please read Part 2 which will be posted shortly. In part 2 I will talk about what compelled me to bear my soul and open up the box that is often shut tight and left inside of most homes with gifted children. And I will talk about the ways we deal with this dark and scary side of gifted in our home.
I was encouraged to start this blog to help other parents of gifted children and hopefully build an online community of where parents can say "yes, there is someone going through what I am going through". Now is the time to tackle the issue that probably sent you searching in the first place. You see, parents of gifted children don't stay up at night unable to sleep because their child started talking in complete sentences at 15 months old, or because they found them reading Harry Potter at the age of four. Its the "other" side of gifted, the side no one ever really sees or experiences unless they also have a gifted child. Its the first time your child collapses into a heap on the floor and cries for hours because they made a mistake. Its when your child thinks they are "stupid" because they got an answer wrong while independently doing work created for children twice their age - or more. Its when your child looks at you with tears in their eyes and says "I'm bad, I need to be punished" when they make even the most common mistake. And when that child is just three years old its hurts even more. You know that look, you can see it in their eyes; the self loathing and self hate because they are not the perfect person you never even asked them to be.
"This" comes in many different categories, attached to many different labels. Sometimes it is simple perfectionism - wanting themselves to be flawless for every task, no matter how great or challenging. They can see quite clearly how the wiggled just a little when drawing their first letter "A". You try to console them "honey, its great, it was your first try, your only two - many kids don't draw their first letter A until they are five". It doesn't help, the meltdown has started and there is no stopping this flood. They have seen themselves as less than what they thought everyone else expected them to be and they feel they must be punished. While people on the "outside" are in awe at all the things your kids can do; inside you cringe every time you see a mental leap coming on. Every time you hear those words "mommy, I think I would like to learn". Doesn't matter what they are learning - advanced quantitative physics or tying their shoe - you know in your heart this is going to rip them apart, because learning takes time. And even though they do it three to four times faster than most people, that isn't fast enough for them.
Another category is emotional intensity. Oh my word most people can't understand just how high a high can be or just how low a low can be. The first time I saw emotional intensity my eldest was nine months old. He wanted to nurse while he slept, I wanted to sleep. So, while rocking him in a rocking chair I slipped his pacifier into his mouth. He sat up, took his pacifier in his little baby hand - and threw it was such force across the room when it hit the wall my husband ran into the room thinking someone had fallen. We have calmed him significantly from those baby days - with gentle parenting (no hitting, no yelling). However, those victories are only surface, because while he doesn't have violent outbursts - he has turned that rage and frustration on himself. When he does something wrong, no matter how slight - he will send himself to his room. When he fails to be a perfect little boy he will shout at himself with anger "you are so bad, I am so mad at you!" My sweet, gentle, honest, kind, loving little boy looks at himself with disgust because he sometimes forgets to put a toy away. I am left with nothing more to do but hold him and hug him and cry to myself as I try to emotionally pull out all that "stuff" - he is too little, too young, to vulnerable for feelings like this.
Yet another category is negative thinking. Gifted kids are so acutely aware of the world around them that they can find the negative in a rainbow. "But mommy, isn't the color black sad that it never has an opportunity to be a part of the colors of the rainbow". We went through a tornado and had two trees fall on our home - only to flee to my inlaws home just 30 minutes before an F5 swept through their neighborhood. It was such a scary experience - to everyone. But to my kids, this has become their life. One of my three year old twins continued to ask "how did those houses fall down". 1/3 of the homes in the neighborhood were lost and my son was confused because these were big strong brick houses. Being a fan of the "3 Little Pigs" he continued to demand to know how do brick houses get blown down like we - we had told him for years that brick houses were strong. Well, I never knew to make the exception while reading the story "except in the case of a rare F5 tornado". He had nightmares, his behavior changed, he started to frequently wet the bed. His little three year old mind is still, three months later, trying to come to terms with the fact that mommy and daddy kept this possibility from him. Now every wind brings him close to tears - could this be another tornado? Could our brick house fall down? What else did mommy and daddy keep from me - is there an F6 tornado? How do we know there isn't an F6? Why did God allow an F5 tornado? What happened to the people that were in that house the completely collapsed? What happens if we are outside and a tornado comes? What is daddy is a work during a tornado - can he get home? What happens when you "get dead"? My little three year old son should be thinking about fun things, having a good time, being a kid. Instead, he is wondering the tornado rating of every building he enters - who built it, how strong, how do we know it is strong enough, what if it isn't strong enough?
Do you see your kids in any of these stories? Do any of these experiences speak to you? If so, please read Part 2 which will be posted shortly. In part 2 I will talk about what compelled me to bear my soul and open up the box that is often shut tight and left inside of most homes with gifted children. And I will talk about the ways we deal with this dark and scary side of gifted in our home.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The "socialization" thing - again!
Call me naive, but I fully expected to "not" have to deal with the whole "what about socialization" question when it came to homeschooling my children. Especially from people that know our family and realize we don't live in a cave or underground bunker. Doesn't it seem a tiny bit ridiculous to ask us while we are actually out socializing what we are going to do for socialization?
I understand individuals that don't home school might be curious about the socialization practices of our family, but that is a very different question than "what are you going to do about socialization; you realize they need to be around other kids at some point". For the record, my children have had traditional "socialization" experiences in a traditional school setting. They did one year in a private school (twins in Preschool; eldest in K). While there were some good experiences, I wasn't real happy about my five year old being threatened with being stabbed by another student - is this really the "socialization" people fear my kids will miss out on?
Instead of continuing to lament about the all the ills of traditional school based "socialization" (though I may throw in an example here and there) I will discuss how we view socialization and why we believe this route is not only healthy, but the correct route for our family - you choose what is best for yours.
According to New World Encyclopedia: socialization is used by sociologists, social psychologists, and educationalists to refer to the process of learning one’s culture and how to live within it. For the individual, it provides the resources necessary for acting and participating within their society.
This definition is important. The first thing to point out is that socialization is about people learning to live in the culture in which they live. Our children do not live in an age segregated, geographically assigned culture. The cultural values of our family are about our children learning to live in the world at large, to be contributing members to society at large - not simply learning how to live amongst age mates and peers in a public institutional setting. I got my first job at the age of 14, so I have been in the workforce well over 20 years. I have NEVER worked in a setting in which everyone was my age; I have never worked in a setting in which everyone was within four years of my date of birth. My closets colleagues and friends have been as much as 30 years my senior. How would being in a age normed setting prepare me for this? In fact, having been educated my entire life in a traditional setting, this was one of my biggest and hardest adjustments - living around and working with people that were "just like me". My entire childhood was spent with people "like me" - same geographic area, same socio-economic status, most the same race, most the same religion, and from the age of three - most of my waking hours were spent with children all within 2 - 4 years of my age. College was my first experience with people somewhat different from me, but even that was limited as I went to a mid-sized state university. So, most people were from my geographic area. I didn't form a friendship with an international student until my PhD program. I was so lost in terms of understanding that not everyone grew up poor, or in the Midwest, or in a single parent home. I thought I knew what "Black" people were like, "White" people were like, "rich" people were like - I honestly never even thought about Asian people or knew of the existence of Haitians or Greeks.
My traditional schooling socialized me well - I was perfectly capable of living around other people that grew up in my neighborhood! I had to start all over in the "socialization" process when I packed my bags and headed off to college - just two hours away. When I took my first trip out of the country at the age of 21 - I was again blown away by how narrow my world view had been. I was very good at socialization - I just had very limited opportunity to socialize outside of very narrow circles.
I didn't want that for my children. I want my children to know this world is big and vast with lots of different people, beliefs, cultures, customs, ideas, traditions, and experiences. I want them to be socialized not just for our neighborhood - but for the larger world in which they live. In the real world, people are not broken arbitrarily into age normed groups with a defined leader tagged "teacher", and a clearly defined list of assignments and rules and expectations. I want my children to learn how to navigate in a world full of people that don't always look like them, talk like them, believe like them. Socialization in a traditional school setting is easy - the groups are clearly defined and you know fairly quickly what group you belong to. The language is agreed upon and the rules for success are all defined (sometimes formally, sometimes informally). Not so in the real world - we have to learn to communicate with people that don't speak our language, learn to get along in a world where the rules change constantly, learn to work side-by-side with people with whom we adamantly disagree - and there is no defined administrative arbitrator who will declare whom won or lost.
So, what about socialization? We also agree it is very important and one of the many reasons why homeschooling is the right choice for our family.
I understand individuals that don't home school might be curious about the socialization practices of our family, but that is a very different question than "what are you going to do about socialization; you realize they need to be around other kids at some point". For the record, my children have had traditional "socialization" experiences in a traditional school setting. They did one year in a private school (twins in Preschool; eldest in K). While there were some good experiences, I wasn't real happy about my five year old being threatened with being stabbed by another student - is this really the "socialization" people fear my kids will miss out on?
Instead of continuing to lament about the all the ills of traditional school based "socialization" (though I may throw in an example here and there) I will discuss how we view socialization and why we believe this route is not only healthy, but the correct route for our family - you choose what is best for yours.
According to New World Encyclopedia: socialization is used by sociologists, social psychologists, and educationalists to refer to the process of learning one’s culture and how to live within it. For the individual, it provides the resources necessary for acting and participating within their society.
This definition is important. The first thing to point out is that socialization is about people learning to live in the culture in which they live. Our children do not live in an age segregated, geographically assigned culture. The cultural values of our family are about our children learning to live in the world at large, to be contributing members to society at large - not simply learning how to live amongst age mates and peers in a public institutional setting. I got my first job at the age of 14, so I have been in the workforce well over 20 years. I have NEVER worked in a setting in which everyone was my age; I have never worked in a setting in which everyone was within four years of my date of birth. My closets colleagues and friends have been as much as 30 years my senior. How would being in a age normed setting prepare me for this? In fact, having been educated my entire life in a traditional setting, this was one of my biggest and hardest adjustments - living around and working with people that were "just like me". My entire childhood was spent with people "like me" - same geographic area, same socio-economic status, most the same race, most the same religion, and from the age of three - most of my waking hours were spent with children all within 2 - 4 years of my age. College was my first experience with people somewhat different from me, but even that was limited as I went to a mid-sized state university. So, most people were from my geographic area. I didn't form a friendship with an international student until my PhD program. I was so lost in terms of understanding that not everyone grew up poor, or in the Midwest, or in a single parent home. I thought I knew what "Black" people were like, "White" people were like, "rich" people were like - I honestly never even thought about Asian people or knew of the existence of Haitians or Greeks.
My traditional schooling socialized me well - I was perfectly capable of living around other people that grew up in my neighborhood! I had to start all over in the "socialization" process when I packed my bags and headed off to college - just two hours away. When I took my first trip out of the country at the age of 21 - I was again blown away by how narrow my world view had been. I was very good at socialization - I just had very limited opportunity to socialize outside of very narrow circles.
I didn't want that for my children. I want my children to know this world is big and vast with lots of different people, beliefs, cultures, customs, ideas, traditions, and experiences. I want them to be socialized not just for our neighborhood - but for the larger world in which they live. In the real world, people are not broken arbitrarily into age normed groups with a defined leader tagged "teacher", and a clearly defined list of assignments and rules and expectations. I want my children to learn how to navigate in a world full of people that don't always look like them, talk like them, believe like them. Socialization in a traditional school setting is easy - the groups are clearly defined and you know fairly quickly what group you belong to. The language is agreed upon and the rules for success are all defined (sometimes formally, sometimes informally). Not so in the real world - we have to learn to communicate with people that don't speak our language, learn to get along in a world where the rules change constantly, learn to work side-by-side with people with whom we adamantly disagree - and there is no defined administrative arbitrator who will declare whom won or lost.
So, what about socialization? We also agree it is very important and one of the many reasons why homeschooling is the right choice for our family.
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